Divorce Journal – A Mutual Decision, Maybe
Instead of dragging out the decision of whether we continued to remain separated with no plan of action to repair the breach in our marriage, I decided to move forward with a divorce. She was still very clear with me that her heart’s desire was different than mine, but accepted the decision after failing to present a plan that we could attempt to save our marriage. The decision was made and mutual, right?
In our conversation, I forgot the wisdom that I share with couples that are in a similar position. I would coach them to, first, clear the air by sharing as much of the process for housing their side of the decision. People need to know how you come to a conclusion.
Afterwards, there should be time apart, so that each person can process what has been shared. In a follow up meeting the couple has an opportunity to process the decision together. The following up meeting(s) is really never about the initial decision or the process of how it was derived. The follow up meeting(s) is where the negotiations begin, where counter-points are offered, and where the descenting partner has a chance to punch holes in the meaning and methods of their spouse’s reasoning. People need a chance to defend their position.
Non-verbal communication is critically important. Non-verbal cues will tell you if the message was well received or just brushed off. For instance, you say it is over. They express disappointment in the decision and claim to accept the decision. But, they proceed to take their clothes off and get into your bed. Chances are they have not truly accepted the decisions.
Finally, you must affirm your position. Follow through on the plan of action. The more you linger, the less your spouse will take you serious. Inaction equates to indecisiveness; therefore, you open the door for confusion and renewed hope.
By the way, break-up sex is horrible.
Here is my journal entry, which explains of the conversation went for me and my spouse. Divorce Journal – A Mutual Decision, Maybe
Divorce Journal – It Is Hard To Share My Story
There are two responses that you hate to hear when other’s learn that you and your spouse are separated and headed towards divorce. The most hurtful is, “I knew you two would not last,” or some version of this comment. The second is not hurtful or is at least not meant to be. It is, “I do not understand what happen as the two of you seemed to be so happy,” or some version of this comment.
It is difficult to respond to either version. The challenge involves several factors. You do not want to speak harshly of your mate, especially since you chose them. It is also unlikely that any one person is at fault, so if you share their faults, then you must also spill your oen contribution to the decline. You also have to consider why the person is asking. Some genuinely care and are searching for ways to support you or the both of you. Others may be looking for answers or meaning for their own relationships and caution is advised, so that you do not cause harm to them. And their the folks that are just looking for dirty that they can happily share. The world has no shortage of destructive people or behaviors.
I still find it hard discussing the end of our marriage. It is hard because my reasons are complicated. It is hard as I am still living with the emotional and physical repercussions of the divorce. Divorce is the ripping apart of two souls, hearts and bodies. You feel this crude separation in during the healing period. And you may not ever fully heal.
This entry (Divorce Journal – It Is Hard To Share My Story) is my attempt at responding to several people that were shocked to learn of our separation. I fumbled with my response to each of them, and thought I could provide clarity in the journal entry. It seems I did not offer much clarity after reviewing the video. Maybe one day I will be able to articulate the events that led to the divorce with the transparency that I prescribe.
Divorce Journal – The Opening
Considering divorce as an option is a strong indication that a marriage is in great jeopardy. I know that some people enter marriages with this possibility as an escape route. Unfortunately, I have coached couples where this outcome was discussed or used as a threat so often that it was almost normalized. I would hope that both previous scenarios are not the norm, as they were certainly not the case for our marriage.
We both agreed this would be our last marriage. Both of us were previously divorced from our college sweethearts. We had suffered the consequences of marrying before we were ready and to people we knew were wrong for us. This time would be different. We were adults and expereinced in relationships, and we knew what we wanted out of life and marriage. These are the narratives we used to convince ourselves that this would be, not our first, but our last and best love.
I was the one that introduced the possibility of divorce. Not before I had tried other remedies. Some were healthy, like prayer, individual coaching and suggesting couples therapy. I say suggested, because we did not see a counselor until after I was prepared to file for a divorce. Shamefully, I also made some poor choices like seeking support and affection from people outside of our marriage. It is hard for any couple or any party in a marriage to exhaust all resources available to them, but you can feel that way after an extended period. I had reached what I thought were my limits when I decided to file for the divorce.
It took another year before I would decide to file for divorce, and a half year after that before I actually submitted the paper work. During these periods the journal entries helped me to confront feelings and thoughts that I wanted to ignore. Reviewing the recordings sends me to an emotional place, even now, months after the marriage has ended. The point of sharing these entries is to show some of what I experienced while making the decision. In addition, hopefully, the conversations I had with myself will help someone facing a similar decision cope with the weight of the burden.
The end of my journey has already been revealed. We have a new and interesting friendship for the sake of our children, the ministries we share, and because we still like more than a few things about each other. A judge’s signature cannot unravel years of building a marriage. But, the fact remains that we are divorced. This does not have to be anyone else’s reality. If it helps, place your feet in the path that I left and see if you can make a different and better decision. Divorce Journal – The Opening
Divorce Journal – Trust Is An Issues
It is clear from the beginning of these recordings that I am uncomfortable sharing or allowing this much exposure to the decline of our marriage. There is so much that lies beneath the words that I struggle to share. The strain comes across in mis-pronunciations, the wrong choice of words, and unnecessary pauses as I fight through the flood of thoughts.
But I was committed to see this experience through to the very end. I worried if I could produce a journal that would be authentically my story, while preserving the dignity of my spouse. It was my project, which I engaged without her permission. Besides, if I tried to tell a complete story without her input, then the integrity of the entire product would have been weakened.
This entry (Divorce Journal – Trust Is An Issue) was my earliest attempt at sharing one of our issues. Frankly, after reviewing the entry I realized that I failed to capture the balance that I sought. Sure, I was struggling with trusting her words. In truth, the issue was never about her lying as much as it was her lack of courage in believing that I could handle her truth. Or, her choosing what she thought was an easy way to avoid confrontation.
She had more reason in our relationship to distrust as my actions were far more hurtful. My word were almost always transparent and blunt, but my actions were not always as revealing. Therefore, the title and the entry are misleading, too.
Bare with me on this journey as the subject matter and the delivery will get better.
Coached 2 Love 