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Divorce Journal – It Is Hard To Share My Story
There are two responses that you hate to hear when other’s learn that you and your spouse are separated and headed towards divorce. The most hurtful is, “I knew you two would not last,” or some version of this comment. The second is not hurtful or is at least not meant to be. It is, “I do not understand what happen as the two of you seemed to be so happy,” or some version of this comment.
It is difficult to respond to either version. The challenge involves several factors. You do not want to speak harshly of your mate, especially since you chose them. It is also unlikely that any one person is at fault, so if you share their faults, then you must also spill your oen contribution to the decline. You also have to consider why the person is asking. Some genuinely care and are searching for ways to support you or the both of you. Others may be looking for answers or meaning for their own relationships and caution is advised, so that you do not cause harm to them. And their the folks that are just looking for dirty that they can happily share. The world has no shortage of destructive people or behaviors.
I still find it hard discussing the end of our marriage. It is hard because my reasons are complicated. It is hard as I am still living with the emotional and physical repercussions of the divorce. Divorce is the ripping apart of two souls, hearts and bodies. You feel this crude separation in during the healing period. And you may not ever fully heal.
This entry (Divorce Journal – It Is Hard To Share My Story) is my attempt at responding to several people that were shocked to learn of our separation. I fumbled with my response to each of them, and thought I could provide clarity in the journal entry. It seems I did not offer much clarity after reviewing the video. Maybe one day I will be able to articulate the events that led to the divorce with the transparency that I prescribe.
Divorce Journal – The Opening
Considering divorce as an option is a strong indication that a marriage is in great jeopardy. I know that some people enter marriages with this possibility as an escape route. Unfortunately, I have coached couples where this outcome was discussed or used as a threat so often that it was almost normalized. I would hope that both previous scenarios are not the norm, as they were certainly not the case for our marriage.
We both agreed this would be our last marriage. Both of us were previously divorced from our college sweethearts. We had suffered the consequences of marrying before we were ready and to people we knew were wrong for us. This time would be different. We were adults and expereinced in relationships, and we knew what we wanted out of life and marriage. These are the narratives we used to convince ourselves that this would be, not our first, but our last and best love.
I was the one that introduced the possibility of divorce. Not before I had tried other remedies. Some were healthy, like prayer, individual coaching and suggesting couples therapy. I say suggested, because we did not see a counselor until after I was prepared to file for a divorce. Shamefully, I also made some poor choices like seeking support and affection from people outside of our marriage. It is hard for any couple or any party in a marriage to exhaust all resources available to them, but you can feel that way after an extended period. I had reached what I thought were my limits when I decided to file for the divorce.
It took another year before I would decide to file for divorce, and a half year after that before I actually submitted the paper work. During these periods the journal entries helped me to confront feelings and thoughts that I wanted to ignore. Reviewing the recordings sends me to an emotional place, even now, months after the marriage has ended. The point of sharing these entries is to show some of what I experienced while making the decision. In addition, hopefully, the conversations I had with myself will help someone facing a similar decision cope with the weight of the burden.
The end of my journey has already been revealed. We have a new and interesting friendship for the sake of our children, the ministries we share, and because we still like more than a few things about each other. A judge’s signature cannot unravel years of building a marriage. But, the fact remains that we are divorced. This does not have to be anyone else’s reality. If it helps, place your feet in the path that I left and see if you can make a different and better decision. Divorce Journal – The Opening
Divorce Journal – Trust Is An Issues
It is clear from the beginning of these recordings that I am uncomfortable sharing or allowing this much exposure to the decline of our marriage. There is so much that lies beneath the words that I struggle to share. The strain comes across in mis-pronunciations, the wrong choice of words, and unnecessary pauses as I fight through the flood of thoughts.
But I was committed to see this experience through to the very end. I worried if I could produce a journal that would be authentically my story, while preserving the dignity of my spouse. It was my project, which I engaged without her permission. Besides, if I tried to tell a complete story without her input, then the integrity of the entire product would have been weakened.
This entry (Divorce Journal – Trust Is An Issue) was my earliest attempt at sharing one of our issues. Frankly, after reviewing the entry I realized that I failed to capture the balance that I sought. Sure, I was struggling with trusting her words. In truth, the issue was never about her lying as much as it was her lack of courage in believing that I could handle her truth. Or, her choosing what she thought was an easy way to avoid confrontation.
She had more reason in our relationship to distrust as my actions were far more hurtful. My word were almost always transparent and blunt, but my actions were not always as revealing. Therefore, the title and the entry are misleading, too.
Bare with me on this journey as the subject matter and the delivery will get better.
Divorce Journal – Starting Our New Chapter
When you choose to serve others, especially under the titled ‘Coached 2 Love,’ then transparency is a must. Love has multiple faces. Likewise, the relationships that are inspired by the pursuit of love has many outcomes. One of the most dreadful is divorce.
No one gets married with divorce in mind as the desired outcome. At least none who take the vows of marriage sacred. The parties invested in the success of the marriage extend beyond the persons taking the vows or the attendants that stand with them. Usually there is a community of supporters, including family, friends, fraternity and sorority siblings, classmates, neighbors, and co-workers. The outcome of the marriage has an impact on all of those who poured in their feelings, time, and prayers. So, when a marriage ends it has an impact on the entire community.
If a marriage brings a community together to celebrate, then it stands to reason that a divorce should also bring one together to mourn. Unfortunately, the painful process of separation and divorce drives the partners into seclusion or excessive behaviors that make them hard to approach. And no one has the right to judge how someone processes the sting of divorce. And, no one has the right to deny the congregation of believers their opportunities to heal too.
I recorded a number of videos, journal entries, in an effort to both process the decision to divorce my spouse and begin the long journey towards healing. The idea was not my own, but that of a relationship consultant that happened to sit next to me at a networking function. Coincidence or not, she challenged me to combine the goal of leading others in conversation about love while sharing my own challenges to obtain the heart’s desire.
And I was immediately afraid. I was afraid of hurting the woman that I had spent seven years with. I was afraid of hurting her daughters who I call my own, or my sons, which had already seen their father loose at love. Our families, friends, fraternal and sorority siblings, and so many others were of concern. Yet, fear has never had the final say over my actions and this challenge would not be any different.
Recording the journal entries were at times cathartic. It is my hope that in sharing these journal entries others will find meaning or understanding for their own relationships. It is too late for there to be a different outcome in my marriage. Perhaps, someone will find the strength they need to fight for their marriage, so that it will not end in divorce. It may simply provide clarity for the community that stood with us through our courting period and on our wedding day. I trust that in sharing these videos others will benefit through the outpouring of my emotions.
I decided to start with one of the final videos that was recorded. This entry was completed shortly after a judge granted the petition for divorce. The range of emotions that I was experiencing should be evident as I struggled with finding words to describe the experience and what I hoped to come next. Clarity was not the goal, it was only authenticity. Truth is that divorce has never been that clear to me and there is great ambiguity with starting a new chapter.Divorce Journal – Starting Our New Chapter
Coached 2 Love 