Coached 2 Love Radio
Why Does He Cheat On His Wife With Me?
I am supposed to be writing about sex this week. In a way, I suppose that I am, through the topic of infidelity. In this article I am sharing the answer that I gave a friend early this week. My goal, then and now, was to provide an attentive ear to the situation and hopefully sound advice as to her role in an adulterous relationship.
Sex was created by God, to share between a husband and a wife, and it is good. We should all be able to agree on these points. However, it is clear that whether we agree or disagree, some parties in a marriage fail to represent these factors, thus leading to questions such as, “if sex was created for marriage, and it is supposed to be a good thing between a husband and his wife, then why would a husband seek sex somewhere else?”
There are four global reasons that men cheat. The reasons can obviously be reduced to a number of subsets based in traditions, culture, circumstances, and physical or psychological disorders. Yet, from a global or macro perspective, I strongly believe that all excuses will lead to one of the following.
- Opportunity or Convenience
For a large number of men that have committed adultery their motivation was simple opportunity. The goods were literally thrown in their face. This is typically the case with workplace affairs where two people become comfortable with each other in a manner that was completely unintended. He did not set out to have an affair, the door opened and he floated right across the threshold. - Greed
Let’s face it – some men have insatiable appetites. So, he hunts ferociously. Frankly, a woman married to this man already knows his tendency and is not often surprised by an affair. - Lack of Quality
This is one of those measures that only mean something to the person having to describe it. Kind of like, ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder.’ Only he can tell you what he expects from sex, and what he is not getting at home. The range is extremely broad – ranging from frequency to diversity to freakiness. Unfortunately, there are no exclusions, including medical issues or physical limitations. - Dissatisfied
This is likely to be seen as the weakest excuse of the four, yet, it is the most frequently given. This is far different from the quality issue. Quality is inherent to the spouse. Satisfaction is dependent upon the man. Dissatisfaction will have very little to do with the act of sex. It may come from the physical changes of a spouse, the stress in the home from finances or differing parenting styles.
Do not allow any of these factors to cause concern that the odds of a faithful marriage are unreasonable. Let me attempt to ease your concern. There are four types of men that will never cheat.
- He is Dead
I do not mean physically dead, although that would certainly eliminate the threat; neither am I insinuating that he cannot perform sexually (limp). I am suggesting that he is oblivious to world. This man is dead to the poison of lust, which leads to infidelity. He was either reared in a certain manner, or conquered those demons long ago. Or, this guy felt the sting of infidelity, and vowed not to put anyone else through a similar form of grief. - Low Self Esteem
Well, this guy would not take free sex from a super model. He would spend way too much energy trying to figure out why anyone would want to sleep with him. He considers himself a lottery winner to be chosen by his spouse, and still questions his fortune of her vow. Frankly, this is not a bad thing. It would be better for the institution of marriage if more men felt swept away by their wives, rather than feeling like they capture their brides in some ancient fight to death ritual. - Obsessed
He is totally and completely enamored with his spouse. Outside of his mother, no other woman even exists on this plant. Life as he knows it would end without her. Any other woman would literally be an insult to his integrity and character. - Totally In Love with Jesus Christ
My absolute favorite- this guy has made a lifelong covenant with God. His cord of marriage is strengthened with the woven thread of Jesus Christ. Even if he struggles with any of the character flaws in the first list, he would remain faithful and committed to serve as an example in and outside his home. He could not break his covenant.
Sex is meant to be good. When it is not for whatever reasons, people struggle the possibility of infidelity. Some commit the physical act. Others fall only in their lustful thoughts. Yet, still others remain strong and committed to the vow of marriage.
This is certainly one of many perspectives on infidelity, and from a man’s point of view. Ironically, the conversation helped my friend make the decision to cut ties with her lover with hopes that he could repair his marriage. And that she would be in a better position to support her unknown future husband in his quest for fidelity.
01-30-2014 “Forgiving Them . . . The Externals”
Now that we have set everyone free. Well, almost everyone. Who’s left? The one person you said that you would never ever forgive. The very thought of them cringes your soul. That is the one we must let go.
Join us for the conversation, Thursday, January 30, 2014 at 7pm CST. Listen live online or call 347-237-4648.
For more on this topic please read Forgiveness – Not Easy; But Necessary and Forgiving Others.
Forgiving Others
Here is my thesis. Life is about giving, and love is at the top of the list. In fact, I believe that all of creation is about the revolving, interconnecting circles of Light, Life and Love. Genesis 1 and 2 support my thesis. The Sanskrit poem Bhagavad Gita supports my thesis. Therefore, success or fulfilling our purpose in creation, in my opinion, comes through the velocity of how we give.
You have heard that you reap what you sow. Some of us are familiar with the parable of the fig tree where Jesus condemned the tree for not producing any fruit after being given adequate seasons to “let go.” How about: God gave His only begotten son, so that … we could have everlasting life? Giving is clearly a life principle.
So my argument begs the question, ‘why is it so hard to for-give or let go?’ I suggest we first consider the motivation for holding on.
We keep things mostly out of comfort or familiarity or fear. It is easier to work within the confines of our experiences or hold on to the successes that we already have – no matter how outdated these may be. Worse, we sometimes hold on to whatever it is because we fear that it will never be replaced, or we will not get anything in return.
For-give-ness is the extreme active of giving. The literally meaning is the most intense form of give. No wonder it is so hard for most of us.
For some it is challenging to give a greeting, like ‘hello’ or ‘good morning.’ Others find it hard to give a donation to a worthy cause or tithe to their religious organization. Forget about giving a thoughtful gift to co-worker, classmate, or acquaintance where there will likely not be an exchange.
Giving only seems to be easy when reciprocity is in order. It is much more likely to occur when the exchange will result in a reciprocal physical act, tangible item, or pleasant feeling. But, we know that forgiving someone of a past or present hurt, disappointment or betrayal will not involve either of the aforementioned.
We hold onto hurt as we do our greetings to strangers or gifts for a co-worker because we cannot see ‘what’s in it for me.’ We know, and do not care, that it makes no sense. It makes about as much sense as holding onto clothes that you don’t wear, rather than donate them to a shelter that houses battered women who escaped their abusive relationships – likely without anything but their lives.
Truth is we will benefit from offering forgiveness. The benefits are subtle and often overlooked and undervalued, but they are there for us. It is like saying good morning to strangers even though they seem to never respond. It is very similar to offering to purchase lunch for the person on the corner with the sign, even if they really just want the money. It is just as important as cleaning out your closets on a routine basis and donating the clothes to shelters or churches that provide for people you will likely never meet.
The benefit is greater than you, but for you also. When you forgive there is a burst of positive energy that envelopes you and everything about you. When you greet a stranger, I assure you they carry that throughout their day and will eventually bless someone else with your kindness. When you give that faded sweater, out of date jeans, or too tight wardrobe away someone is grateful to have clean clothes to cover their wounds as they begin their life anew. The same goes for saying I forgive you- even if the person will never hear it from you.
Saying I forgive you means that you hear it and you become transformed throughout your day and life. The strange gesture as with the greeting will free you to bless someone else. Saying I forgive you provides a new emotional wardrobe, internal grace that reflects your outward act that says you cared enough about someone else to give what you could no longer hold onto.
For me, my thesis holds true. It is when we share our light, sacrifice the comforts of our life, and embody love that we are living out our purpose in creation. Forgive.
01-23-2014 “Forgiving Self”
Back to the Mirror. Are you ready to forgive the person that you see? Are you ready to forgive them for the bad decisions, degrading words, and rebellious actions? How about the mistakes that were made while trying to do the right thing? Let’s set the old person free and walk weightless into our futures.
Listen live online or dial in 347-237-4648. Press 1 to join the conversation. We would love to hear from you on the topic.
Other information on this topic can be found on blogs by Clarence White and Tracie Jae.
Coached 2 Love 