I am supposed to be writing about sex this week. In a way, I suppose that I am, through the topic of infidelity. In this article I am sharing the answer that I gave a friend early this week. My goal, then and now, was to provide an attentive ear to the situation and hopefully sound advice as to her role in an adulterous relationship.
Sex was created by God, to share between a husband and a wife, and it is good. We should all be able to agree on these points. However, it is clear that whether we agree or disagree, some parties in a marriage fail to represent these factors, thus leading to questions such as, “if sex was created for marriage, and it is supposed to be a good thing between a husband and his wife, then why would a husband seek sex somewhere else?”
There are four global reasons that men cheat. The reasons can obviously be reduced to a number of subsets based in traditions, culture, circumstances, and physical or psychological disorders. Yet, from a global or macro perspective, I strongly believe that all excuses will lead to one of the following.
- Opportunity or Convenience
For a large number of men that have committed adultery their motivation was simple opportunity. The goods were literally thrown in their face. This is typically the case with workplace affairs where two people become comfortable with each other in a manner that was completely unintended. He did not set out to have an affair, the door opened and he floated right across the threshold.
Let’s face it – some men have insatiable appetites. So, he hunts ferociously. Frankly, a woman married to this man already knows his tendency and is not often surprised by an affair.
- Lack of Quality
This is one of those measures that only mean something to the person having to describe it. Kind of like, ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder.’ Only he can tell you what he expects from sex, and what he is not getting at home. The range is extremely broad – ranging from frequency to diversity to freakiness. Unfortunately, there are no exclusions, including medical issues or physical limitations.
This is likely to be seen as the weakest excuse of the four, yet, it is the most frequently given. This is far different from the quality issue. Quality is inherent to the spouse. Satisfaction is dependent upon the man. Dissatisfaction will have very little to do with the act of sex. It may come from the physical changes of a spouse, the stress in the home from finances or differing parenting styles.
Do not allow any of these factors to cause concern that the odds of a faithful marriage are unreasonable. Let me attempt to ease your concern. There are four types of men that will never cheat.
- He is Dead
I do not mean physically dead, although that would certainly eliminate the threat; neither am I insinuating that he cannot perform sexually (limp). I am suggesting that he is oblivious to world. This man is dead to the poison of lust, which leads to infidelity. He was either reared in a certain manner, or conquered those demons long ago. Or, this guy felt the sting of infidelity, and vowed not to put anyone else through a similar form of grief.
- Low Self Esteem
Well, this guy would not take free sex from a super model. He would spend way too much energy trying to figure out why anyone would want to sleep with him. He considers himself a lottery winner to be chosen by his spouse, and still questions his fortune of her vow. Frankly, this is not a bad thing. It would be better for the institution of marriage if more men felt swept away by their wives, rather than feeling like they capture their brides in some ancient fight to death ritual.
He is totally and completely enamored with his spouse. Outside of his mother, no other woman even exists on this plant. Life as he knows it would end without her. Any other woman would literally be an insult to his integrity and character.
- Totally In Love with Jesus Christ
My absolute favorite- this guy has made a lifelong covenant with God. His cord of marriage is strengthened with the woven thread of Jesus Christ. Even if he struggles with any of the character flaws in the first list, he would remain faithful and committed to serve as an example in and outside his home. He could not break his covenant.
Sex is meant to be good. When it is not for whatever reasons, people struggle the possibility of infidelity. Some commit the physical act. Others fall only in their lustful thoughts. Yet, still others remain strong and committed to the vow of marriage.
This is certainly one of many perspectives on infidelity, and from a man’s point of view. Ironically, the conversation helped my friend make the decision to cut ties with her lover with hopes that he could repair his marriage. And that she would be in a better position to support her unknown future husband in his quest for fidelity.
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I really loved this. It has been said that the reason men cheat is that there are women out there for them to cheat with. That’s from the Book of Steve Harvey. And it is so true. If less of us allow ourselves to be used in this way, we would, instance by instance, reduce infidelity. It is best to start with our damn selves.
Thanks for the feedback. Infidelity starts at home in the same way that lust begins in our minds. We can never control someone else but we can certainly take care of the people in our home. I mean … TAKE CARE of them. 🙂