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Divorce Journal – Goodbye Sex

Even before I had it I did not understand the concept of goodbye sex. (Divorce Journal – Goodbye Sex)  I mean I tried it once in high school, but it was an act of revenge on a cheating girlfriend.  I assumed that goodbye sex was some sort of parting gift to each other, not a malicious act to declare the end of a relationship.  But, I struggle with understanding the purpose of sharing in intimacy with someone you no longer want to be in a relationship with.

In some regard, I can understand the partner that is requesting one last moment of itimacy before the door closes on a relationship forever.  Forever is a long time.  It stands to reason that the emotions involved in this final act will run high; therefore, making the love making experience that much more special.  But, what about the negative consequences?  For instance, I have come to understand that sexual intercourse is deeper than penetrating flesh.  Souls are intertwined as a result of the connection.  What are these parties to do with this connection once the relationship has dissolved?

The dissenting partner has th greatest challenge.  It would be cold and malicious to deny your partner the opportunity to spend  few last and lasting passionate moments together.  It is certainly not like this would be the first time the couple had shared in intimacy.  But the consequences on the partner that wants out may be greater.  The physical, emotional and spiritual connection maybe to involved for the other person to simply walk away.

Whoever decided that it would be a good idea to lay with your partner on the way out needs to provide clarity on what exactly is the goal.  From limited personal experience, it only seems to make matters worse.

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Divorce Journal – “What Are We Doing?”

Every relationship should have routine check ins and check ups.  It is interesting that we will keep routine schedules to maintain our bodies, our homes and even our cars, but neglect to check in or get check ups for our relationships.  As much as I believe in this principle, I was not ready to answer my wife’s question.  She wanted to know, “what are we doing?”  This entry shares the struggle that I had with her need to know. (Divorce Journal – What Are We Doing)

It was a reasonable request, considering the amount of time we were spending together and the activities that we shared.  We were in a seemingly good space, which would lead anyone to believe that all was well with us.  Although a picture is worth a thousand words, it can also be very deceptive about what lies beneath.  Underneath my pleasant demeanor towards our relationship was the need to see significant change from both of us.

In every moment we shared I was looking for enough evidence to change my mind and heart about divorce.  I wanted to know that the few months of peace and comfort we shared would be indicative of a new her and a better us.  The peace could have been the result of either one of us holding our tongues; keeping in our true feelings for the sake of peace and comfort.  But, even the best of us get tired of practicing restraint.  It is then that our true emotions and feelings surface.  And patience is rewarded with the real agenda and true nature of a thing.

Divorce Journal – Sex

A willingness to hear each other’s hearts led to open conversations.  Open conversations gave way to deeper transparency.  Knowing what your partner is feeling, thinking and experiencing inspires compromise.  Compromising on a routine basis resulted in comfortability, and the desire to spend more time together.  The more time we, two people who were emotionally charge and comfortable with each spent together, the greater the chance we would have sex. (Divorce Journal – S.E.X.)

It seemed that we were more willing to hear each other’s hearts after I declared that I wanted a divorce.  The open and honest conversations were some of the best we experienced in nearly nine years.  It could be the removal of self imposed barriers built on fear that opened this entryway.  We were courageously transparent with each other.

The result of our openness led to a willingness to compromise.  I placed the plan to file for divorce on the shelf.  She was less defensive.  We both accepted blame for our part in the deterioration of our marriage.  In the words of Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock, “it takes two to make things go right.” (It Takes Two)  It was the height of mutual understanding and compassion in our relationship.

We became very comfortable in eah other’s presence.  Somewhere along the journey we begin to look forward to speaking with and seeing each other.  It started with daily messages to check-in and forward material that had nothing to do with us.  We sent prayers, scriptures, jokes, and news about family and friends.

Our daily contact grew from text messages into hanging out.  Soon after, we were in a full on sexual relationship.  We both missed this part of our marriage.  It took years to adapt to each other’s sexual styles and preferences, but when we did it became magical.  What we shared was beyond physical satisfaction as it was a spiritual depth to our connection.

Neither of us had abandoned our positions on divorce.  I reasoned that we were still married, thus I felt no guilt in pleasing my wife.  She accepted our time together.  We decided to live in those moments, and they were good.  However, when we were a part  I wondered if she felt that I was taking advantage of her.  Or, if she was using these moments to further weaken my position.  I hoped she remembered that I had never been that weak for sex.

The real tragedy was that the more we had sex, the less we talked.  Our meetings became more about the intimacy we shared and less about deconstructing the issues that led us to separation.  We realized this imbalance, but it was diffiult to regain the amount of time and effort placed into conversation when their was so much positive sexual energy between us.  So, we continued to have sex.  And it was good.

Divorce Journal – A Softening Heart

Fast-forward approximately three months into my journal entries and I find myself questioning my own feelings.  Have I begin to change my mind?  In previous entries I discuss how my wife has basically ignored my decision.  She is continuing to treat me as her husband – as if a decision has not been made to divorce.

During this period, I record in my journal that I would submit myself to prayer and fasting.  These spiritual practices are being engaged in order to discern whether I have made a choice that truly matches what I am feeling in my heart.  Well, we know how this journey ends.  This moment of indecision does not alter the final outcome.
Yet, in the midst of taking action on my decision I appear to be experiencing a change of heart.  Divorce in itself is described as the result of a hardened heart.  It is the consequence of one person becoming so numb towards their spouse and the marriage that no attempt to reconcile can reach them.  In our case, in the moment of this entry (Divorce Journal – Softening Heart), something is beginning to reach me.

My softening heart could be the result of my wife continuing to act as if we are married.  My period of intentional prayer and fasting may have allowed me to see not only her in a different light, but my own desires.  Or, maybe I am beginning to notice the attention that she is receiving from others.  After all, sharks are drawn to blood in the water and I have spilled a sufficient amount of her proverbial blood over the few months prior to this post.

This journey is starting to get very interesting.  Whatever the reasons are for my hesitation the delay is working in our benefit.  And I am beginning to feel things and in places that I thought were lost to this marriage.