Fast-forward approximately three months into my journal entries and I find myself questioning my own feelings. Have I begin to change my mind? In previous entries I discuss how my wife has basically ignored my decision. She is continuing to treat me as her husband – as if a decision has not been made to divorce.
During this period, I record in my journal that I would submit myself to prayer and fasting. These spiritual practices are being engaged in order to discern whether I have made a choice that truly matches what I am feeling in my heart. Well, we know how this journey ends. This moment of indecision does not alter the final outcome.
Yet, in the midst of taking action on my decision I appear to be experiencing a change of heart. Divorce in itself is described as the result of a hardened heart. It is the consequence of one person becoming so numb towards their spouse and the marriage that no attempt to reconcile can reach them. In our case, in the moment of this entry (Divorce Journal – Softening Heart), something is beginning to reach me.
My softening heart could be the result of my wife continuing to act as if we are married. My period of intentional prayer and fasting may have allowed me to see not only her in a different light, but my own desires. Or, maybe I am beginning to notice the attention that she is receiving from others. After all, sharks are drawn to blood in the water and I have spilled a sufficient amount of her proverbial blood over the few months prior to this post.
This journey is starting to get very interesting. Whatever the reasons are for my hesitation the delay is working in our benefit. And I am beginning to feel things and in places that I thought were lost to this marriage.