It is interesting how everything seems to have meaning for your current situation when you are faced with a major decision. You can watch a television show and one of the character’s storylines will seem to parallel your own. The lyrics of a popular song played on the radio will seem to capture your every emotion. You find yourself in earshot of strangers, and their conversation tempts you to move from ease dropping to full on participation. All of these responses are within reason. However, take into consideration your own sensitivity while measuring your circumstances against outside influences.
The day before I recorded this entry (Divorce Journal – Conviction) I was attending church and begin to intertwine my decision to divorce with the sermon. It seemed as if the pastor’s message was directed towards me and our marriage. Of course the pastor of a mega-church would have no idea what my wife and I were experiencing. Yet, it was as if the pastor was dwelling in my thoughts and had decided to build the weekly sermon around our situation. From that sermon I felt conviction over the decision I made to divorce my wife.
The sermon subject centered on the occurrence of a disciple of Jesus Christ walking on water. It was nothing to have Jesus Christ walk on any substance. But, it is quite captivating to have a mere human being step out of a boat onto water and walk on an element that is scientifically not suppose to support the density of human flesh. This phenomenon only occurred because of the disciple’s faith in and focus on Jesus Christ. Peter received the permission of his Lord to step onto the water and as a result completed an un-natural task.
This sermon made me question my own faith journey. Had I stepped out through faith, into a marriage, and on a commitment that was un-natural for me? If so, could I have made it all the way if I had maintain faith in and focus on Jesus Christ? Was the demise of our marriage the consequence of paying attention to the turbulence surrounding our union, more than I concentrated on the reason I stepped out on faith? These are the questions that arrested my attention. And they still do more than a year later.