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Divorce Journal – A Mutual Decision, Maybe
Instead of dragging out the decision of whether we continued to remain separated with no plan of action to repair the breach in our marriage, I decided to move forward with a divorce. She was still very clear with me that her heart’s desire was different than mine, but accepted the decision after failing to present a plan that we could attempt to save our marriage. The decision was made and mutual, right?
In our conversation, I forgot the wisdom that I share with couples that are in a similar position. I would coach them to, first, clear the air by sharing as much of the process for housing their side of the decision. People need to know how you come to a conclusion.
Afterwards, there should be time apart, so that each person can process what has been shared. In a follow up meeting the couple has an opportunity to process the decision together. The following up meeting(s) is really never about the initial decision or the process of how it was derived. The follow up meeting(s) is where the negotiations begin, where counter-points are offered, and where the descenting partner has a chance to punch holes in the meaning and methods of their spouse’s reasoning. People need a chance to defend their position.
Non-verbal communication is critically important. Non-verbal cues will tell you if the message was well received or just brushed off. For instance, you say it is over. They express disappointment in the decision and claim to accept the decision. But, they proceed to take their clothes off and get into your bed. Chances are they have not truly accepted the decisions.
Finally, you must affirm your position. Follow through on the plan of action. The more you linger, the less your spouse will take you serious. Inaction equates to indecisiveness; therefore, you open the door for confusion and renewed hope.
By the way, break-up sex is horrible.
Here is my journal entry, which explains of the conversation went for me and my spouse. Divorce Journal – A Mutual Decision, Maybe
Divorce Journal – It Is Hard To Share My Story
There are two responses that you hate to hear when other’s learn that you and your spouse are separated and headed towards divorce. The most hurtful is, “I knew you two would not last,” or some version of this comment. The second is not hurtful or is at least not meant to be. It is, “I do not understand what happen as the two of you seemed to be so happy,” or some version of this comment.
It is difficult to respond to either version. The challenge involves several factors. You do not want to speak harshly of your mate, especially since you chose them. It is also unlikely that any one person is at fault, so if you share their faults, then you must also spill your oen contribution to the decline. You also have to consider why the person is asking. Some genuinely care and are searching for ways to support you or the both of you. Others may be looking for answers or meaning for their own relationships and caution is advised, so that you do not cause harm to them. And their the folks that are just looking for dirty that they can happily share. The world has no shortage of destructive people or behaviors.
I still find it hard discussing the end of our marriage. It is hard because my reasons are complicated. It is hard as I am still living with the emotional and physical repercussions of the divorce. Divorce is the ripping apart of two souls, hearts and bodies. You feel this crude separation in during the healing period. And you may not ever fully heal.
This entry (Divorce Journal – It Is Hard To Share My Story) is my attempt at responding to several people that were shocked to learn of our separation. I fumbled with my response to each of them, and thought I could provide clarity in the journal entry. It seems I did not offer much clarity after reviewing the video. Maybe one day I will be able to articulate the events that led to the divorce with the transparency that I prescribe.
Divorce Journal – Trust Is An Issues
It is clear from the beginning of these recordings that I am uncomfortable sharing or allowing this much exposure to the decline of our marriage. There is so much that lies beneath the words that I struggle to share. The strain comes across in mis-pronunciations, the wrong choice of words, and unnecessary pauses as I fight through the flood of thoughts.
But I was committed to see this experience through to the very end. I worried if I could produce a journal that would be authentically my story, while preserving the dignity of my spouse. It was my project, which I engaged without her permission. Besides, if I tried to tell a complete story without her input, then the integrity of the entire product would have been weakened.
This entry (Divorce Journal – Trust Is An Issue) was my earliest attempt at sharing one of our issues. Frankly, after reviewing the entry I realized that I failed to capture the balance that I sought. Sure, I was struggling with trusting her words. In truth, the issue was never about her lying as much as it was her lack of courage in believing that I could handle her truth. Or, her choosing what she thought was an easy way to avoid confrontation.
She had more reason in our relationship to distrust as my actions were far more hurtful. My word were almost always transparent and blunt, but my actions were not always as revealing. Therefore, the title and the entry are misleading, too.
Bare with me on this journey as the subject matter and the delivery will get better.
Divorce Journal – Starting Our New Chapter
When you choose to serve others, especially under the titled ‘Coached 2 Love,’ then transparency is a must. Love has multiple faces. Likewise, the relationships that are inspired by the pursuit of love has many outcomes. One of the most dreadful is divorce.
No one gets married with divorce in mind as the desired outcome. At least none who take the vows of marriage sacred. The parties invested in the success of the marriage extend beyond the persons taking the vows or the attendants that stand with them. Usually there is a community of supporters, including family, friends, fraternity and sorority siblings, classmates, neighbors, and co-workers. The outcome of the marriage has an impact on all of those who poured in their feelings, time, and prayers. So, when a marriage ends it has an impact on the entire community.
If a marriage brings a community together to celebrate, then it stands to reason that a divorce should also bring one together to mourn. Unfortunately, the painful process of separation and divorce drives the partners into seclusion or excessive behaviors that make them hard to approach. And no one has the right to judge how someone processes the sting of divorce. And, no one has the right to deny the congregation of believers their opportunities to heal too.
I recorded a number of videos, journal entries, in an effort to both process the decision to divorce my spouse and begin the long journey towards healing. The idea was not my own, but that of a relationship consultant that happened to sit next to me at a networking function. Coincidence or not, she challenged me to combine the goal of leading others in conversation about love while sharing my own challenges to obtain the heart’s desire.
And I was immediately afraid. I was afraid of hurting the woman that I had spent seven years with. I was afraid of hurting her daughters who I call my own, or my sons, which had already seen their father loose at love. Our families, friends, fraternal and sorority siblings, and so many others were of concern. Yet, fear has never had the final say over my actions and this challenge would not be any different.
Recording the journal entries were at times cathartic. It is my hope that in sharing these journal entries others will find meaning or understanding for their own relationships. It is too late for there to be a different outcome in my marriage. Perhaps, someone will find the strength they need to fight for their marriage, so that it will not end in divorce. It may simply provide clarity for the community that stood with us through our courting period and on our wedding day. I trust that in sharing these videos others will benefit through the outpouring of my emotions.
I decided to start with one of the final videos that was recorded. This entry was completed shortly after a judge granted the petition for divorce. The range of emotions that I was experiencing should be evident as I struggled with finding words to describe the experience and what I hoped to come next. Clarity was not the goal, it was only authenticity. Truth is that divorce has never been that clear to me and there is great ambiguity with starting a new chapter.Divorce Journal – Starting Our New Chapter
Coached 2 Love 