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25 Critical Relationship Questions
We started Coached 2 Love with the goal of building stronger families. We have identified a simple remedy for most of our global issues, which is the inappropriate definition or application of love, starting with self. Therefore, we believe that as we help others identify what love looks like, then help those persons convert the definition into practical steps, we will begin to see positive changes.
Our second focus involves helping people make better choices regarding the person they will date to marry. Notice the focal point of the latter goal: marriages. Unfortunately, we have encountered too many couples that shared a wedding goal, but had no idea of what to look forward to after their special day. The consequence of the narrow vision is a unmentionable epidemic of broken families.
One of our practical steps in helping others look through the wedding event into marriage is providing a list of thought provoking questions. Below we have provided a sample from our self directed questionnaire, which we believe individuals and couples should engage, before they even ask or answer (B.Y.E.A.) the wedding proposal. We do not consider our questionnaire to be an exhaustive list. However, we hope our complete list will motivate couples to go off the track and ask even more involved questions, of themselves and the parties involved in the relationship that would have otherwise been overlooked.
Let’s begin the journey.
1. What are your views of God?
2. What is the meaning of a wedding vow?
3. What are your views on sex, in particular, the various forms of sexual contact?
4. What has been your greatest accomplishment to date?
5. What are your views on children, baring, having and rearing?
6. What is your relationship with your parents?
7. What is the role of a husband?
8. What is the role of a wife?
9. Share details of your family’s history, lineage, or genealogy.
10. What are your greatest fears?
11. Provide an example of when you were knocked down in life and how you got back on your feet.
12. How do you define intimacy?
13. When was your last physical exam, and what were the results?
14. What parts of your life have you held in reserve for your spouse?
15. Share your views on drinking alcohol, smoking (cigarettes or cigars), and drug use.
16. How would you approach your spouse if they were failing your expectations?
17. How do you best communicate (verbally, writing, dropping hints, physical expression, etc.)?
18. What are your views on homosexuality?
19. How do you handle frustration?
20. Whose counsel do you most value?
21. How important is personal space or time alone or time away from your spouse?
22. How do you define cheating?
23. What are the boundaries for your parents’ involvement in your relationship?
24. What allowances are you willing to give to your spouse to express a different religious belief or practice?
25. How do you define success?
So You Are Thinking About Getting Married?
We are on the brink of wedding season. This is both an exciting and high anxiety period for the bride-to-be and her groom. There is so much planning and execution that is required before that fifteen minute to two hour ceremony occurs. But in reality, the planning occurs well before the two ever met.
Most women begin dreaming of their weddings before they even reach womanhood. Men on the other hand spend their time thinking of ways to avoid the BIG commitment. Of course these stereotypes have flaws, but for the sake of making a point, stay with me.
Both worlds collide when she has met Mr. Right and he has found the one he knows he cannot live without. So, they begin to live their lives together accordingly. One day, out of the blue – at least for one of them – someone mentions the ‘M’ Word. And life is never to be the same again.
I have had the opportunity to meet with couples prior to their nuptials. If you want a good laugh, then ask a newly engaged couple in each other’s presence “how do you know they are the one?” I do not know what is funnier (or sad in some cases): the stuff that some people say that is totally scripted, or the looks of being totally caught off guard. The most entertaining situations are when people just make up stuff in the moment that neither party believes. What would make you want to spend the rest of your life with someone?
Knowing what marriage involves and what you expect out of marriage should come well before the wedding proposal. For this reason, Coached 2 Love offers Before You Even Ask / Answer seminars and one to one consulting. We believe that the important questions should be answered before the proposal is even made.
For instance, what makes a marriage successful? Here are the factors that we teach:
Communication– you must be able to speak each other’s languages, and be able to listen better than you are equipped to speak.
Compromise – Marriage is more than give and take, it is downright sacrificial at times. It is better to know going in that you just may have to give up your favorite things.
Compassion – Intimacy is the area that seems to be compromised the most when things go bad in a relationship. Couples must be aware of each other’s needs and desires and seek to fulfill them. And each person must allow space for their spouse’s weakness.
Consistency – The greatest strength of a spouse is to define and meet expectations through their words and actions – every time.
Conversely, what are the threats to a successful marriage? Here are the areas we teach:
Family – There is a good reason that God advises that a husband and wife leave their parents and cleave to their spouses. Families can be destructive.
Finances – There is nothing wrong with money. Everything is wrong with the misuse of resources, or a lack of communication about money.
Sex – The concept of absence makes the heart grow fonder does not apply to sex. A lack of physical touching and intimacy will kill a marriage.
Children – A very broad category that absolutely needs to be discussed and agreed upon before marriage. Guess what? People change and spouses change their minds, so allow room for a change of heart.
If you were participants in one of our classes, or an individual client, here are a few more questions, in no particular order that you could expect to answer before you ask (or answer) the BIG question:
- Are you emotionally available for the full commitment that marriage requires? How do you know?
- What are your views and practices in regards to sexual intercourse? What are examples?
- What are the ways that you ‘speak’ love into your relationship, with and without words?
- What are the optimal circumstances for you to have tough conversations?
- What are your pressure points? How do you handle stress?
- Name three ways you would date your spouse that you are willing to commit to.
- Who are the strongest influences in your life, and how do you predict they will respond to your marriage?
- What are the habits you would like to break before the marriage? …and the ones you want to keep?
- How would you handle criticism from your spouse on your looks or hygiene?
- If you have not taken a personality test, then would you submit to the process to learn more about yourself?
- How are you going to share your personal income, savings and investments, and credit score with your spouse?
- What are your thoughts towards having and rearing children?
- What does it mean to you to receive LOVE? …and to give LOVE? Is LOVE enough in a marriage?
Contact Coached 2 Love if you are interested in learning more, attending a class, or one to one consulting.