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Divorce Journal – Sex
A willingness to hear each other’s hearts led to open conversations. Open conversations gave way to deeper transparency. Knowing what your partner is feeling, thinking and experiencing inspires compromise. Compromising on a routine basis resulted in comfortability, and the desire to spend more time together. The more time we, two people who were emotionally charge and comfortable with each spent together, the greater the chance we would have sex. (Divorce Journal – S.E.X.)
It seemed that we were more willing to hear each other’s hearts after I declared that I wanted a divorce. The open and honest conversations were some of the best we experienced in nearly nine years. It could be the removal of self imposed barriers built on fear that opened this entryway. We were courageously transparent with each other.
The result of our openness led to a willingness to compromise. I placed the plan to file for divorce on the shelf. She was less defensive. We both accepted blame for our part in the deterioration of our marriage. In the words of Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock, “it takes two to make things go right.” (It Takes Two) It was the height of mutual understanding and compassion in our relationship.
We became very comfortable in eah other’s presence. Somewhere along the journey we begin to look forward to speaking with and seeing each other. It started with daily messages to check-in and forward material that had nothing to do with us. We sent prayers, scriptures, jokes, and news about family and friends.
Our daily contact grew from text messages into hanging out. Soon after, we were in a full on sexual relationship. We both missed this part of our marriage. It took years to adapt to each other’s sexual styles and preferences, but when we did it became magical. What we shared was beyond physical satisfaction as it was a spiritual depth to our connection.
Neither of us had abandoned our positions on divorce. I reasoned that we were still married, thus I felt no guilt in pleasing my wife. She accepted our time together. We decided to live in those moments, and they were good. However, when we were a part I wondered if she felt that I was taking advantage of her. Or, if she was using these moments to further weaken my position. I hoped she remembered that I had never been that weak for sex.
The real tragedy was that the more we had sex, the less we talked. Our meetings became more about the intimacy we shared and less about deconstructing the issues that led us to separation. We realized this imbalance, but it was diffiult to regain the amount of time and effort placed into conversation when their was so much positive sexual energy between us. So, we continued to have sex. And it was good.
Know What You Want From A Spouse
It was the scene where the young prince met his bride to be for the very first time on his 21st birthday that made the story an instant classic for me. He showed no enthusiasm for the extremely attractive woman, even after she exhibited the highest form of submission to his every desire, including barking like a BIG dog while hopping on one leg. The young prince explained his resistance to marriage to his authoritative father as a desire to find out for himself what he liked as well as what he disliked – before committing his life to marriage.
Far too many soon-to-be-wed find themselves in the same sort of quandary on the day of their nuptials. Do I really know what I like and dislike, need and can do without, or desire and have no appetite for? Anxiety becomes the illness when these questions cannot be answered. Unlike the young prince that revered his father – most suck up their feelings and commit their lives to the unknown. Possibly a worse tragedy are the folks that run from the commitment without explanation or asking the parties involved to take a step back long enough to gather more information.
Another favorite scene is where the wealthy heir of a family fortune built by silky hair products decides to announce an engagement to be wed to the fair-hearted, equally established heiress without consulting her in advance. The similarities include neither bride having a choice in the decision and both sets of parents celebrating and affirming the unions. The differences involve the grooms. One was noble minded and although his bride had no say – he wanted her to choose him – for him. The other frankly wanted to marry well, which meant a union of fortune and fashion. The later lacks resilience when times get tough.
The lesson to be gained from the latter proposal is that even though he clearly had an agenda and knew what he wanted, the arrangement was still one sided. The bride’s voice was mute and under-valued. How could a person’s agenda or ego be so large that it cast shade over everyone and everything else affected by the decision? It is reasonable for someone to also want to escape an engagement or marriage when they feel invisible, void of meaning, absent of real value, and unheard.
In the end, the two persons that wanted more than an arranged union, and opted for one with transparency, shared ideas, openness to new experiences, and a proven ability to bridge obstacles prevailed. The closing scene returns to the ornate wedding hall complete with all of the trappings of wealth and royalty. A young prince stood obediently next to his parents prepared to submit to their best will for his life. His submission is admirable. Yet, to his pleasant surprise the woman that he fell in love with – in heart, body, and soul – stood unveiled before him as she realized that he was her heart’s desire, too.
We fail to commit, go all the way to the finish, press on towards the mark when we are unsure of ourselves, or unclear of what we truly want out of life. Is it wise to sometimes move forward on the advice of others, such as parents or elders? With absolute certainty! The nudging of those who walk before us brings great value – but only when we too are of clear conscious that this is our next best move. And to know that, we must also know who we are, what we are made of, when we are ready, and why we want what we desire.
Coached 2 Love 