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Divorce Journal – I Need to Apologize

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Somewhere in my life I came to the conclusions that words have little to no meaning.  I did not value promises or verbal commitments.  I learned to question everything I heard.  Even words written on a paper, especially those written for the purpose of binding a contract held little weight.  As a result, I became a man of few words.  I took the stance that my actions would say everything that I needed to communicate.

My position on the value of words begin to soften throughout the years; primarily, as a result of many trouble relationships.  The differing communication styles, me choosing to lead by example and those I engaged needing to express themselves verbally caused great conflict.  I begin to work towards being more communicative.

In my marriage, I had achieved a level of expression that made me uncomfortable.  There were moments when I dominated conversations, and even became argumentative.  This level of verbal engagement was a sharp turn from previous forms of expression.  It was likely too much as I did not realize how much was pent up in my soul.  Saying too much can be just as dangerous as saying too little.

However, two of the most powerful words known to anyone were still very difficult for me to use.  Promise and apologize.  Offering a promise presented a challenge.  It was a personal offense when someone used this word, which signified the highest level of commitment, then brushed aside the necessary follow through with no regard.  I was committed to not being that guy.  I would not use this word unless I was absolutely sure that I was willing to give all of me towards achieving the commitment.  In the event that I failed, the evidence would be clear that everything within my resources would have been expelled before I stopped trying.

The latter, apologize, is just a cleaver way of saying, “I’m sorry.”  I forced “sorry” from my vocabulary long ago as I did not want to be associated with anything that was sorry, weak, insufficient, compromised, or lacking.  Sorry was impossible for me to articulate, and an apology was not much easier to share.  For me, it meant that either the act that would beg an apology had some intentionality or that the person apologizing could have altered the outcome.  Both should be rare situations, so an apologize should seldom be rendered, in my opinion.  This stance made me appear cold and callus.

On the morning of this recording, several months ago, I was feeling extremely apologetic.  There was a flood of emotions as I could visually see all of the people that I needed to apologize to.  Our marriage was over and I knew clearly the part that I played in the demise.  There were people equally committed to our success and others dependent upon our success that would be affected by the outcome.  Although I am much better at communicating, as I have a new appreciation for the value of words, I still find it difficult to apologize.  Yet to all those I have hurt as a result of my decision to divorce my spouse, to them and to her, I Need to Apologize

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