It feels sort of strange to be surprised by the presence of your spouse. At the point of this journal entry, we had not seen each other for nearly three months. Our communication ended abruptly after announcing that I was finally filing for divorce. She did reach out to me once to confirm that the divorce petition was actually registered with the courts, and that was the one exception. But, within a two week period I saw her twice and it felt awkward.
Divorce Journal – I Saw Her Today
The time apart was beneficial – at least for me. I can only speak for myself. I spent the majority of the time in reflection about the years we had spent together and the few years prior to meeting my wife. It was helpful to look at the major turns in our relationship and consider if each was handled properly. Or, if not, how each major incident could have been handled differently with the hopes that we may have avoided the present course. There was no hope for us at this point as the damage was too great. But, if there was any possibility for me to love again, then I needed to face some profound questions.
There were challenges during the time a part, and the greatest was distractions from outside parties. I met several engaging women right before filing for divorce, none of which had a bearing on my decision. Each was different, yet very impressive in her own right. Meeting them and drawing their interest allowed me to see my own worth beneath the pain I was feeling. But, I was still married and it would have been unwise to pursue even a friendship. So, I explained to each that I was not available and would not be so for months. I made it clear that I would not have any contact with them during my divorce preceding. The divorce itself was not in jeopardy, but I wanted to protect my time alone.
I wondered if my wife had faced similiar temptations and if she was as protective of her opportunity to be alone. Some people do not see the value in being alone for a season; to reflect and to heal. Others may be uncomfortable or even afraid of the solitude. I would certainly understand as it takes a great deal of personal resolve to be alone when you do not have to. She is certainly capable of anything, but denying herself is not one of her favorite choices. Whatever her choice, it seemed to serve her well as she appeared to be happy both times that I saw her.
Seeing her was like passing the last final exam before graduation. It was confirmation that I could be near her, want the very best for her, and not want anything more. I knew after leaving her presence both times that I was truly prepared to move on with my life. I was indeed glad that I saw her, and that she appeared to be well.