How Important is the Marriage Proposal?
Beautifully transparent.
I didn’t think it was important. I’d been married before and what I
really
wanted was a wedding because my first husband and I eloped. I knew I wanted an actual wedding ceremony – in a church – with our families and friends there as witnesses. But I convinced myself that I didn’t want a fancy proposal. As long as Clarence was sure he wanted to be my husband, and as long as I was sure I wanted to be his wife, I convinced myself that was enough.
During our courtship, Clarence has shown himself to be both romantic and spontaneous – qualities that sealed the deal almost immediately. Yet, for one of the most important occasions in our developing relationship, I’d asked him to turn off those parts of himself and keep it simple. And, of course, he chose that occasion to actually listen and adhere to my request…
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12 Things A Man Must Do Before Getting Married
A successful marriage begins well before you meet the woman you want to spend the rest of your life. Your success is secured like any other goal – you prepare. Here is a list that will challenge you to think about yourself and the life you desire with a mate. Before you even ask the ‘BIG’ question make sure that you are prepared to be the man of her dreams. While you are at it – make sure you have made a few of your own dreams come true.
Have at least one platonic friendship. If you ever want to earn your future wife’s complete trust, then you cannot have sex with or date every one of your attractive female friends. You need to be able to show restraint and that you care about more than a woman’s physical appearance. Otherwise, she will believe that anything that walks by and winks at you can lead you astray.
Accomplish all your educational goals. It is great to build a foundation together. But unless you met your future spouse as adolescents, or young adults, it is likely that you will have to build a foundation strong enough for you and your family. Complete your education, all of it, before you meet, court, and marry your spouse. Furthermore, a woman does not want to feel like she is the only reason you are just now pursuing your education or any other goal. Finally, with the intense academic regimen behind, you will have more time to dedicate to your family and the goals you define together.
Affirm your career choice. A wanderer is extremely frustrating for a woman. She can appreciate a starving artist that is committed to his craft more than a job hopper. Besides, no one wants to hear the constant complaining of how you are over-qualified, unfulfilled or not being challenged by your career. Even worse is the guy that is living so far in his past that he is missing the present. You were a great athlete, but that is not your present career. If this applies to you, then it is time for you to move on and commit to your present life. Dedicate yourself to your current opportunity and maximize your future.
Live alone: without a parent, a partner, a live in ‘relationship,’ a child or a roommate. Each person must be able to distinguish for themselves the value of independence. It may be the last time that you will not rely on someone else to meet your goals, or have someone depending on you to meet theirs. It may seem lonely now, but there will be times in your marriage when you would pay top dollar for moments of solitude. More importantly, a man must develop skills of self-reliance. A woman of great worth values a man that wants her; not needs her because he cannot take care of himself.
Purchase at least one vehicle of your choice and with your own resources. There is a strange connection between men and machines. Cars are likely at the top of the list. A guy does not have to be a car aficionado to have a list of dream cars. Maybe it was dad’s or grandpa’s old Chevy pickup or a sports car from your favorite movie. A guy has a list of dream cars, or motorcycles. Purchasing one of those cars before marriage provides a sense of accomplishment, without the guilt associated with foregoing more responsible decisions like saving for your kids’ college. Do it now – before the wife becomes your voice of reason. But don’t get too attached in case you have to sell that two-seater and purchase a vehicle with room for a car seat.
Take at least one guys’ trip. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, like a road trip with the guys. Whether it is to a regional fishing hole or a major sporting event like the Superbowl, a testosterone filled excursion will provide memories to last a lifetime. Friendships are deepened and fables are created through these moments. When life becomes saturated with couple’s retreats and diaper bins, he will always have the ability to escape to the time when the guys had an epic weekend. Remember discretion is the key.
Take at least one international trip – regardless of the purpose. The world is much larger and more diverse than any of us can imagine. Experiencing other cultures and traditions will deepen a man’s appreciation for his own heritage, and enlarge his palette for a richer life. Besides, it is much cheaper to travel as one. Something can be gained through reading, but it is a much more tangible experience to visit.
Have a healthy relationship with parents and siblings. Healthy is subjective and depends greatly on the parties involved. But if a man has an estranged connection with his parents or siblings, then he may invite those seeds of contention into his current relationship. Resolving familial relationships also provides a sign that he will stick around when the times get tough in the marriage. If he will leave his mother, he will certainly leave a marriage.
Attend at least one play, ballet, or symphony. Whether art imitates life, or the other way around, women appreciate fine arts. And, women appreciate a man that can articulate an informed opinion or interpretation of the arts. A real student of art will stretch your imagination with the parallels art to life. A man must, at a minimum, be able to hold a respectable dialogue within this continuum.
Participate in one of your religion’s highest spiritual event. For instance, if you are a Muslim, then you will certainly want to take the Hajj or attend Savior’s Day before considering marriage. The Potter’s House’s Man Power is another phenomenal event. Spiritual maturity comes through experience and exposure; and is just as important as emotional and physical maturity. A man can only lead where he has been. His home, meaning the members of his family will look to him for spiritual direction and constant guidance. Participating in spiritually enriching events, at a higher level, develops a person immensely. No one can remain the same after a spiritually awakening.
Serve on a political campaign or non-profit board. A man must realize the impact that his surrounding community will have on the quality of life for his family. Serving on a campaign or non-profit board will give him a broader perspective on the dynamics that have the potential to help or harm his family. In addition, a serious ‘candidate’ for Mrs. Wife will also have likely served in a leader’s capacity for a social or political action organization. Your individual experiences will give you more content for those lively dinner table discussions.
Have/do something that is all your own. A man needs to have his own outlet. A hobby. A poker club. A neighborhood water hole. A Labyrinth. Having a family of your own is a wonderful thing. Yet, after you pamper the wife and invest in your children, make sure that you leave time for yourself. Make sure that your bride-to-be understands that your time alone, or the reasonable investment in a personal hobby, is a good thing for everyone. The more internal peace that you gain, the higher the motivation you have to succeed.
So You Are Thinking About Getting Married?
We are on the brink of wedding season. This is both an exciting and high anxiety period for the bride-to-be and her groom. There is so much planning and execution that is required before that fifteen minute to two hour ceremony occurs. But in reality, the planning occurs well before the two ever met.
Most women begin dreaming of their weddings before they even reach womanhood. Men on the other hand spend their time thinking of ways to avoid the BIG commitment. Of course these stereotypes have flaws, but for the sake of making a point, stay with me.
Both worlds collide when she has met Mr. Right and he has found the one he knows he cannot live without. So, they begin to live their lives together accordingly. One day, out of the blue – at least for one of them – someone mentions the ‘M’ Word. And life is never to be the same again.
I have had the opportunity to meet with couples prior to their nuptials. If you want a good laugh, then ask a newly engaged couple in each other’s presence “how do you know they are the one?” I do not know what is funnier (or sad in some cases): the stuff that some people say that is totally scripted, or the looks of being totally caught off guard. The most entertaining situations are when people just make up stuff in the moment that neither party believes. What would make you want to spend the rest of your life with someone?
Knowing what marriage involves and what you expect out of marriage should come well before the wedding proposal. For this reason, Coached 2 Love offers Before You Even Ask / Answer seminars and one to one consulting. We believe that the important questions should be answered before the proposal is even made.
For instance, what makes a marriage successful? Here are the factors that we teach:
Communication– you must be able to speak each other’s languages, and be able to listen better than you are equipped to speak.
Compromise – Marriage is more than give and take, it is downright sacrificial at times. It is better to know going in that you just may have to give up your favorite things.
Compassion – Intimacy is the area that seems to be compromised the most when things go bad in a relationship. Couples must be aware of each other’s needs and desires and seek to fulfill them. And each person must allow space for their spouse’s weakness.
Consistency – The greatest strength of a spouse is to define and meet expectations through their words and actions – every time.
Conversely, what are the threats to a successful marriage? Here are the areas we teach:
Family – There is a good reason that God advises that a husband and wife leave their parents and cleave to their spouses. Families can be destructive.
Finances – There is nothing wrong with money. Everything is wrong with the misuse of resources, or a lack of communication about money.
Sex – The concept of absence makes the heart grow fonder does not apply to sex. A lack of physical touching and intimacy will kill a marriage.
Children – A very broad category that absolutely needs to be discussed and agreed upon before marriage. Guess what? People change and spouses change their minds, so allow room for a change of heart.
If you were participants in one of our classes, or an individual client, here are a few more questions, in no particular order that you could expect to answer before you ask (or answer) the BIG question:
- Are you emotionally available for the full commitment that marriage requires? How do you know?
- What are your views and practices in regards to sexual intercourse? What are examples?
- What are the ways that you ‘speak’ love into your relationship, with and without words?
- What are the optimal circumstances for you to have tough conversations?
- What are your pressure points? How do you handle stress?
- Name three ways you would date your spouse that you are willing to commit to.
- Who are the strongest influences in your life, and how do you predict they will respond to your marriage?
- What are the habits you would like to break before the marriage? …and the ones you want to keep?
- How would you handle criticism from your spouse on your looks or hygiene?
- If you have not taken a personality test, then would you submit to the process to learn more about yourself?
- How are you going to share your personal income, savings and investments, and credit score with your spouse?
- What are your thoughts towards having and rearing children?
- What does it mean to you to receive LOVE? …and to give LOVE? Is LOVE enough in a marriage?
Contact Coached 2 Love if you are interested in learning more, attending a class, or one to one consulting.
Lonely or Alone? Examining Reasons for Singleness
You do not have to convince me or anyone else for that matter of your comfort in being alone. Just because you are single does not mean you are lonely. I can hear you screaming THANK YOU, as you have been trying to get your family and friends to understand this for years. You are single and alone by choice.
Truth is, most people confuse being alone with loneliness, lack, and powerless state that would be changed if the opportunity presented itself. Although the two are often used synonymously, there is a stark difference based on intention. One person chooses to be alone, as opposed to a lonely person feeling as if the decision was never theirs to make. Or, worse, a person that feels lonely blames their state on previous choices.
Here is why people often confuse the two states of being. People often say one thing, but live out an entirely different existence. This reality begs the question – is it possible that you, too, are confused about the reason for your present relationship status? Do you really know why you are single? Is your state of being alone the consequence of giving up hope of a meaningful relationship, or is it that you have come to enjoy your own company so much that you will not let anyone else in? These are the questions that Coached 2 Love will seek to answer in the show titled: The Loneliest Day of the Year … Psych! I am Good!
To begin the dialogue I am sharing four classifications of persons that are alone or singles. In the event that none of these fit your situation, well, I advise you to re-read the list. Seriously, re-read the list with an open, rather than critical mind. If you remain unconvinced by either description, then congratulations as you are truly in a class of your own (just one man’s opinion).
Single by choices
This class is reserved for those who have found themselves in a state of singleness as a consequence of choices that they have made. My question to this group is who banished you to a lifetime without a mate? Who has the power to punish you in such a manner? I often wonder if we are more punitive towards ourselves than anyone else could ever be. Being single should be a choice, but not because you or anyone else issues it as a punishment.
Unfortunately, this classification includes far too many single parents. The relationship did not work and you are choosing to be single until your children are of age to ‘understand.’ Our advice to you is to learn to date or court with boundaries.
Single by forces
There are unforeseen circumstances in life that alter our destinies. A few of these incidences steal, from us, our ability to be whole. The tragic reality is that we have a tendency to occupy the void spaces in our lives with old memories for the sake of comfort.
We can become so comfortable with our memories that we forget that we are still alive. The beauty about our very next moment is that we get to participate in how it is lived. We may not be able to control everything in life, but we certainly can choose how to respond.
Single by destination
This classification does not require explanation for those that promised: once freedom was obtained from that place of bondage that nothing, or no one, could ever drag them back. Congratulations on gaining your freedom.
Live free and enjoy getting to know yourself, and learning about others without forming permanent attachments. A lesson that all of us need to learn at some point is how to be involved in relationships (various degrees) without giving ourselves completely away.
Find a place of contentment. Invest in you. And when you receive what you desired from that place – healing, wholeness, recreation, or devotion – then set sail for new and engaging territories.
Single by success
Most singles will argue that they are satisfied in their current state. No drama. No compromise. No worries. They may argue that they are single, satisfied, successful, and saved.
Success as a single is not representative of financial or tangible achievement. A truly successful single has accepted a call to solitude and devotion and purpose – in singleness.
Some are called just to a season. For instance, they may need to be free from attachment to study abroad or work in a developing third world country. Others are called to a lifetime of singleness and service in ministry. The latter group includes certain religious personnel. These people never feel alone; as they have satisfaction in knowing that God called them to a life of singleness, service and devotion.
Whatever your reasons are for being alone during this season of your life: find pleasure, comfort, and a positive purpose for your state. Remain honest about how you really feel and your true desires regarding relationship. Remain open to what God is doing through your singleness and state of being alone. If you find that you no longer want to be single – remember it is your choice and you have the power to change your situation.
Coached 2 Love 