Home » Being Single » Lonely or Alone? Examining Reasons for Singleness

Lonely or Alone? Examining Reasons for Singleness

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You do not have to convince me or anyone else for that matter of your comfort in being alone.  Just because you are single does not mean you are lonely.  I can hear you screaming THANK YOU, as you have been trying to get your family and friends to understand this for years.  You are single and alone by choice.

Truth is, most people confuse being alone with loneliness, lack, and powerless state that would be changed if the opportunity presented itself.  Although the two are often used synonymously, there is a stark difference based on intention.  One person chooses to be alone, as opposed to a lonely person feeling as if the decision was never theirs to make.  Or, worse, a person that feels lonely blames their state on previous choices.

Here is why people often confuse the two states of being.  People often say one thing, but live out an entirely different existence.  This reality begs the question – is it possible that you, too, are confused about the reason for your present relationship status?  Do you really know why you are single?  Is your state of being alone the consequence of giving up hope of a meaningful relationship, or is it that you have come to enjoy your own company so much that you will not let anyone else in?  These are the questions that Coached 2 Love will seek to answer in the show titled: The Loneliest Day of the Year … Psych! I am Good!

To begin the dialogue I am sharing four classifications of persons that are alone or singles.  In the event that none of these fit your situation, well, I advise you to re-read the list.  Seriously, re-read the list with an open, rather than critical mind.  If you remain unconvinced by either description, then congratulations as you are truly in a class of your own (just one man’s opinion).

Single by choices

This class is reserved for those who have found themselves in a state of singleness as a consequence of choices that they have made.  My question to this group is who banished you to a lifetime without a mate?  Who has the power to punish you in such a manner?  I often wonder if we are more punitive towards ourselves than anyone else could ever be.  Being single should be a choice, but not because you or anyone else issues it as a punishment.

Unfortunately, this classification includes far too many single parents.  The relationship did not work and you are choosing to be single until your children are of age to ‘understand.’  Our advice to you is to learn to date or court with boundaries.

Single by forces

There are unforeseen circumstances in life that alter our destinies.  A few of these incidences steal, from us, our ability to be whole.  The tragic reality is that we have a tendency to occupy the void spaces in our lives with old memories for the sake of comfort.

We can become so comfortable with our memories that we forget that we are still alive.  The beauty about our very next moment is that we get to participate in how it is lived.  We may not be able to control everything in life, but we certainly can choose how to respond.

Single by destination

This classification does not require explanation for those that promised: once freedom was obtained from that place of bondage that nothing, or no one, could ever drag them back.  Congratulations on gaining your freedom.

Live free and enjoy getting to know yourself, and learning about others without forming permanent attachments.  A lesson that all of us need to learn at some point is how to be involved in relationships (various degrees) without giving ourselves completely away.

Find a place of contentment.  Invest in you.  And when you receive what you desired from that place – healing, wholeness, recreation, or devotion – then set sail for new and engaging territories.

Single by success

Most singles will argue that they are satisfied in their current state.  No drama.  No compromise.  No worries.  They may argue that they are single, satisfied, successful, and saved.

Success as a single is not representative of financial or tangible achievement.  A truly successful single has accepted a call to solitude and devotion and purpose – in singleness.

Some are called just to a season.  For instance, they may need to be free from attachment to study abroad or work in a developing third world country.  Others are called to a lifetime of singleness and service in ministry.  The latter group includes certain religious personnel.  These people never feel alone; as they have satisfaction in knowing that God called them to a life of singleness, service and devotion.


Whatever your reasons are for being alone during this season of your life: find pleasure, comfort, and a positive purpose for your state.  Remain honest about how you really feel and your true desires regarding relationship.  Remain open to what God is doing through your singleness and state of being alone.  If you find that you no longer want to be single – remember it is your choice and you have the power to change your situation.

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1 Comment

  1. […] more on this topic? Visit blogs by Clarence White and/or Tracie […]

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