Divorce Journal – Starting Our New Chapter
When you choose to serve others, especially under the titled ‘Coached 2 Love,’ then transparency is a must. Love has multiple faces. Likewise, the relationships that are inspired by the pursuit of love has many outcomes. One of the most dreadful is divorce.
No one gets married with divorce in mind as the desired outcome. At least none who take the vows of marriage sacred. The parties invested in the success of the marriage extend beyond the persons taking the vows or the attendants that stand with them. Usually there is a community of supporters, including family, friends, fraternity and sorority siblings, classmates, neighbors, and co-workers. The outcome of the marriage has an impact on all of those who poured in their feelings, time, and prayers. So, when a marriage ends it has an impact on the entire community.
If a marriage brings a community together to celebrate, then it stands to reason that a divorce should also bring one together to mourn. Unfortunately, the painful process of separation and divorce drives the partners into seclusion or excessive behaviors that make them hard to approach. And no one has the right to judge how someone processes the sting of divorce. And, no one has the right to deny the congregation of believers their opportunities to heal too.
I recorded a number of videos, journal entries, in an effort to both process the decision to divorce my spouse and begin the long journey towards healing. The idea was not my own, but that of a relationship consultant that happened to sit next to me at a networking function. Coincidence or not, she challenged me to combine the goal of leading others in conversation about love while sharing my own challenges to obtain the heart’s desire.
And I was immediately afraid. I was afraid of hurting the woman that I had spent seven years with. I was afraid of hurting her daughters who I call my own, or my sons, which had already seen their father loose at love. Our families, friends, fraternal and sorority siblings, and so many others were of concern. Yet, fear has never had the final say over my actions and this challenge would not be any different.
Recording the journal entries were at times cathartic. It is my hope that in sharing these journal entries others will find meaning or understanding for their own relationships. It is too late for there to be a different outcome in my marriage. Perhaps, someone will find the strength they need to fight for their marriage, so that it will not end in divorce. It may simply provide clarity for the community that stood with us through our courting period and on our wedding day. I trust that in sharing these videos others will benefit through the outpouring of my emotions.
I decided to start with one of the final videos that was recorded. This entry was completed shortly after a judge granted the petition for divorce. The range of emotions that I was experiencing should be evident as I struggled with finding words to describe the experience and what I hoped to come next. Clarity was not the goal, it was only authenticity. Truth is that divorce has never been that clear to me and there is great ambiguity with starting a new chapter.Divorce Journal – Starting Our New Chapter
Testing The Waters
The title says it all. I have thorn in my side. Relief is far too far away for me to even imagine. The only thing I can do is find a way to co-exist with the nuisance. And that nuisance, this thorn is the burden of writing. It is very uncomfortable, so much that the thought of writing cause my throat to swell and it becomes difficult to swallow or breathe. Yet, I must do it anyway. I must Write.
However, this time or the next attempt to wade deeper into the waters will happen with a companion. I have decided to share a series of personal videos, a video journal, a VLOG. And I will submit a writren narrative to introduce each video.
Frankly, none of this was my idea. I could give a few people credit, but truly all of the credit goes to the Holy Spirit. For it is in the Spirit that a collective of ideas were merged.
This post is NOT the first installment. This is only a test. This is my opportunity to see if I can facilitate the process as it was given to me. Instead of posting one of my videos, I am sharing a worship experience that has blessed my life for months now.
Until I am given permission to begin the journey I deacribed above – Enjoy this video. Allow yourself to be led into the presence of the Holy Spirit. And you can post a thank you note in the comments section.
25 Critical Relationship Questions
We started Coached 2 Love with the goal of building stronger families. We have identified a simple remedy for most of our global issues, which is the inappropriate definition or application of love, starting with self. Therefore, we believe that as we help others identify what love looks like, then help those persons convert the definition into practical steps, we will begin to see positive changes.
Our second focus involves helping people make better choices regarding the person they will date to marry. Notice the focal point of the latter goal: marriages. Unfortunately, we have encountered too many couples that shared a wedding goal, but had no idea of what to look forward to after their special day. The consequence of the narrow vision is a unmentionable epidemic of broken families.
One of our practical steps in helping others look through the wedding event into marriage is providing a list of thought provoking questions. Below we have provided a sample from our self directed questionnaire, which we believe individuals and couples should engage, before they even ask or answer (B.Y.E.A.) the wedding proposal. We do not consider our questionnaire to be an exhaustive list. However, we hope our complete list will motivate couples to go off the track and ask even more involved questions, of themselves and the parties involved in the relationship that would have otherwise been overlooked.
Let’s begin the journey.
1. What are your views of God?
2. What is the meaning of a wedding vow?
3. What are your views on sex, in particular, the various forms of sexual contact?
4. What has been your greatest accomplishment to date?
5. What are your views on children, baring, having and rearing?
6. What is your relationship with your parents?
7. What is the role of a husband?
8. What is the role of a wife?
9. Share details of your family’s history, lineage, or genealogy.
10. What are your greatest fears?
11. Provide an example of when you were knocked down in life and how you got back on your feet.
12. How do you define intimacy?
13. When was your last physical exam, and what were the results?
14. What parts of your life have you held in reserve for your spouse?
15. Share your views on drinking alcohol, smoking (cigarettes or cigars), and drug use.
16. How would you approach your spouse if they were failing your expectations?
17. How do you best communicate (verbally, writing, dropping hints, physical expression, etc.)?
18. What are your views on homosexuality?
19. How do you handle frustration?
20. Whose counsel do you most value?
21. How important is personal space or time alone or time away from your spouse?
22. How do you define cheating?
23. What are the boundaries for your parents’ involvement in your relationship?
24. What allowances are you willing to give to your spouse to express a different religious belief or practice?
25. How do you define success?
Self Love is the Best Love. (February 17, 2016)
To some, loving oneself is so easy. To others, it is pretty hard. It’s easy because, I mean, come on. It’s you, right ? You’re awesome, you’re great. How could you not love YOU ? On the other hand, you made that mistake the other day, or you didn’t grow up with positive reinforcement from the people who claimed to love you. You aren’t sure what love is so how could you possibly know how to give the unknown to yourself ? I get it. All of it.
The only thing that remains consistently true, though, is that love has got to begin with you. It just has to. This isn’t to say that someone won’t come into your life and love you like you’ve never been loved before. That is always a possibility. But this is to say that life is only as full as you are loving…towards yourself.
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