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What I Did For My Exes
I push people. I push them towards the places, talents, and goals that they tell me about in confidence. Also, I sometimes push them because I see in them what they refuse to see in themselves. Unfortunately, more often than not I end up pushing them far away from me.
It used to bother me when an Ex seemed to do better after our relationship ended. They went on to achieve the success that we dreamed about for them. Yet, they did not do much more than talk about it when we were together. It was a personal blow to hear that she finally started that business, went back to school, earned her graduate degree, completed her licensing, accepted that international post, and actually cut a demo. I wondered if I had held them back from these aspirations when we were together. Or, could I have been the catalyst that they needed to reach those levels?
I look at things from different angles and usually judge myself harshly in the process. I start with the potentially negative views, because I like to end on positives. In these cases, maybe I was too hard on these women. Is it possible that my voice was so loud that I drowned out theirs? Maybe I pushed them to jump before they were ready, or God was ready for them to go. Maybe I failed because they only needed someone to play the supportive role or provide an attentive ear, and it took someone else to do so to fulfill their basic need.
The juxtaposition is that I was not pushing them after all. What if my initiatives had the opposite result of holding these women back? What if I served as the resistance that would actually propel them towards their dreams? If this were the case, then our season served a positive purpose.
Consider that if you hold something back long enough, then when it is released it will have an even greater momentum to hit its target. The analogy that I use is a bow and arrow. If I provide resistance to the string of a bow, and these women were the arrows, then the release of our relationship shot them forward with ferocious speed. No wonder they all seemed to be successful.
Here lies the crux of the matter for me. No one chooses another person’s faith entirely. Whatever impact that I had on these lives is of secondary consequence. In the end, the only similarity between these relationships is that I had the pleasure of dating some wonderful women. Each of them saw something pretty special in me/us, too.
Sometimes it may seem as though you, we, prepared an ex for the next – but we must remember that the blocks of life sharpens both sides of the blade. We gain as much as it appears that we lose. Be grateful for the relationships, and lessons learned. Celebrate your ex’s new found success, and embrace all that your future holds.
Know What You Want From A Spouse
It was the scene where the young prince met his bride to be for the very first time on his 21st birthday that made the story an instant classic for me. He showed no enthusiasm for the extremely attractive woman, even after she exhibited the highest form of submission to his every desire, including barking like a BIG dog while hopping on one leg. The young prince explained his resistance to marriage to his authoritative father as a desire to find out for himself what he liked as well as what he disliked – before committing his life to marriage.
Far too many soon-to-be-wed find themselves in the same sort of quandary on the day of their nuptials. Do I really know what I like and dislike, need and can do without, or desire and have no appetite for? Anxiety becomes the illness when these questions cannot be answered. Unlike the young prince that revered his father – most suck up their feelings and commit their lives to the unknown. Possibly a worse tragedy are the folks that run from the commitment without explanation or asking the parties involved to take a step back long enough to gather more information.
Another favorite scene is where the wealthy heir of a family fortune built by silky hair products decides to announce an engagement to be wed to the fair-hearted, equally established heiress without consulting her in advance. The similarities include neither bride having a choice in the decision and both sets of parents celebrating and affirming the unions. The differences involve the grooms. One was noble minded and although his bride had no say – he wanted her to choose him – for him. The other frankly wanted to marry well, which meant a union of fortune and fashion. The later lacks resilience when times get tough.
The lesson to be gained from the latter proposal is that even though he clearly had an agenda and knew what he wanted, the arrangement was still one sided. The bride’s voice was mute and under-valued. How could a person’s agenda or ego be so large that it cast shade over everyone and everything else affected by the decision? It is reasonable for someone to also want to escape an engagement or marriage when they feel invisible, void of meaning, absent of real value, and unheard.
In the end, the two persons that wanted more than an arranged union, and opted for one with transparency, shared ideas, openness to new experiences, and a proven ability to bridge obstacles prevailed. The closing scene returns to the ornate wedding hall complete with all of the trappings of wealth and royalty. A young prince stood obediently next to his parents prepared to submit to their best will for his life. His submission is admirable. Yet, to his pleasant surprise the woman that he fell in love with – in heart, body, and soul – stood unveiled before him as she realized that he was her heart’s desire, too.
We fail to commit, go all the way to the finish, press on towards the mark when we are unsure of ourselves, or unclear of what we truly want out of life. Is it wise to sometimes move forward on the advice of others, such as parents or elders? With absolute certainty! The nudging of those who walk before us brings great value – but only when we too are of clear conscious that this is our next best move. And to know that, we must also know who we are, what we are made of, when we are ready, and why we want what we desire.
03-13-2014 “How to Leave and Let Go”
All relationships have a purpose. Some are only meant to last for a little while – maybe to teach us something new. Some to redirect our attention towards God’s purpose for us. Some, well, to show us just how wrong we are. Whatever the reason we must leave these relationships with our integrity and souls intact. This week’s guest is : Dr. Irishea Hilliard
Join us live online or dial in at 347-237-4648. Press 1 if you’d like to interact with the host or guest.
About our guest:
Pastor Irishea Hilliard, daughter of Bishop I.V. and Pastor Bridget Hilliard. Born on June 7, 1977 in Houston, Texas, she is definitely wise beyond her years. After attending University of Oklahoma and Sam Houston State University, majoring in accounting, Pastor Hilliard decided to stop pursuing her dream for her life and fulfill her true purpose and join her parents in ministry by carrying out the ministry vision.
Pastor Irishea is the Chief Operating Officer of New Light Christian Center Church, in addition to the multiple titles of such as the Overseer of the Children’s Ministry (Dreamers), Youth Ministry & Teen Ministry (OuRlife). Pastor Irishea counsels with parents/teens giving them direction in working through challenges. Although Pastor Irishea is over the entire NuGen Ministry her heart is with “OuRlife” Youth ministry. Pastor Irishea was given the assignment of Spiritual Encounter. Spiritual Encounter began in 2000, each year the growth has been astounding. It is the most incredible move of God to reach this generation in a mighty way. This event is huge; churches from across America make plans each year to make sure their teens are in attendance. In 2011 she passed the baton of this great conference to her sister, but will continue to give oversight and input. Click here to continue reading.
So You Are Thinking About Getting Married?
We are on the brink of wedding season. This is both an exciting and high anxiety period for the bride-to-be and her groom. There is so much planning and execution that is required before that fifteen minute to two hour ceremony occurs. But in reality, the planning occurs well before the two ever met.
Most women begin dreaming of their weddings before they even reach womanhood. Men on the other hand spend their time thinking of ways to avoid the BIG commitment. Of course these stereotypes have flaws, but for the sake of making a point, stay with me.
Both worlds collide when she has met Mr. Right and he has found the one he knows he cannot live without. So, they begin to live their lives together accordingly. One day, out of the blue – at least for one of them – someone mentions the ‘M’ Word. And life is never to be the same again.
I have had the opportunity to meet with couples prior to their nuptials. If you want a good laugh, then ask a newly engaged couple in each other’s presence “how do you know they are the one?” I do not know what is funnier (or sad in some cases): the stuff that some people say that is totally scripted, or the looks of being totally caught off guard. The most entertaining situations are when people just make up stuff in the moment that neither party believes. What would make you want to spend the rest of your life with someone?
Knowing what marriage involves and what you expect out of marriage should come well before the wedding proposal. For this reason, Coached 2 Love offers Before You Even Ask / Answer seminars and one to one consulting. We believe that the important questions should be answered before the proposal is even made.
For instance, what makes a marriage successful? Here are the factors that we teach:
Communication– you must be able to speak each other’s languages, and be able to listen better than you are equipped to speak.
Compromise – Marriage is more than give and take, it is downright sacrificial at times. It is better to know going in that you just may have to give up your favorite things.
Compassion – Intimacy is the area that seems to be compromised the most when things go bad in a relationship. Couples must be aware of each other’s needs and desires and seek to fulfill them. And each person must allow space for their spouse’s weakness.
Consistency – The greatest strength of a spouse is to define and meet expectations through their words and actions – every time.
Conversely, what are the threats to a successful marriage? Here are the areas we teach:
Family – There is a good reason that God advises that a husband and wife leave their parents and cleave to their spouses. Families can be destructive.
Finances – There is nothing wrong with money. Everything is wrong with the misuse of resources, or a lack of communication about money.
Sex – The concept of absence makes the heart grow fonder does not apply to sex. A lack of physical touching and intimacy will kill a marriage.
Children – A very broad category that absolutely needs to be discussed and agreed upon before marriage. Guess what? People change and spouses change their minds, so allow room for a change of heart.
If you were participants in one of our classes, or an individual client, here are a few more questions, in no particular order that you could expect to answer before you ask (or answer) the BIG question:
- Are you emotionally available for the full commitment that marriage requires? How do you know?
- What are your views and practices in regards to sexual intercourse? What are examples?
- What are the ways that you ‘speak’ love into your relationship, with and without words?
- What are the optimal circumstances for you to have tough conversations?
- What are your pressure points? How do you handle stress?
- Name three ways you would date your spouse that you are willing to commit to.
- Who are the strongest influences in your life, and how do you predict they will respond to your marriage?
- What are the habits you would like to break before the marriage? …and the ones you want to keep?
- How would you handle criticism from your spouse on your looks or hygiene?
- If you have not taken a personality test, then would you submit to the process to learn more about yourself?
- How are you going to share your personal income, savings and investments, and credit score with your spouse?
- What are your thoughts towards having and rearing children?
- What does it mean to you to receive LOVE? …and to give LOVE? Is LOVE enough in a marriage?
Contact Coached 2 Love if you are interested in learning more, attending a class, or one to one consulting.
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