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Divorce Journal – No Need To Respond
The purpose of journaling is to capture thoughts, feelings, dreams, and events. Journal entries will serve as a measure of how far you have come, or offer an explanation to you or someone else of what was occuring in your life at a particular point.
The experience of journaling seemed to be a worthy endeavor, especially if it could be used as a tool to measure progress. But, what if there was no progress, or worse ground was loss? It is hard to look back over your life and consider the mistakes that were made and the damage that was caused as a consequence.
Yet, even in our failures there are lessons to be learned. It might be even more beneficial to review what did not work. Who could not benefit from knowing the outcome of a wrong path?
Reviewing this entry (Divorce Journal – No Need To Respond) was difficult for me. It was a reminder of a period where I was being indecisive. I experienced a long pause – a time of mental paralysis. In this video entry I could hear how that period had caused me and my wife pain and resulted in frustration.
The process or the lack thereof was unfair to my wife and me. However, good can be found in any situation if you desire to see it. The positive note from this period is that I was still considering the impact of divorce to our immediate and extended circles. The paralysis that I expereinced was due to the strain of balancing my emotional health against those who would also be impacted by my decision.
It is also clear from this entry that after months I had not responded to my wife’s question about the direction our activities were taking the relationship. Out of frustration or in desparation to save her own sanity she made the choice for us. We would divorce.
It is my hope for anyone reviewing this entry, that has stalled on making a critical decision, will receive the incentive required to move. Learn from my mistake. If you do not make the call, someone else will and it may not be in either of your favor. Push through the fear of being hurt or hurting someone else. Weigh all of the options, then make the best decision possible. Afterwards, no matter the outcome, take the necessary steps to heal and forgive yourself.
Divorce Journal – Sex
A willingness to hear each other’s hearts led to open conversations. Open conversations gave way to deeper transparency. Knowing what your partner is feeling, thinking and experiencing inspires compromise. Compromising on a routine basis resulted in comfortability, and the desire to spend more time together. The more time we, two people who were emotionally charge and comfortable with each spent together, the greater the chance we would have sex. (Divorce Journal – S.E.X.)
It seemed that we were more willing to hear each other’s hearts after I declared that I wanted a divorce. The open and honest conversations were some of the best we experienced in nearly nine years. It could be the removal of self imposed barriers built on fear that opened this entryway. We were courageously transparent with each other.
The result of our openness led to a willingness to compromise. I placed the plan to file for divorce on the shelf. She was less defensive. We both accepted blame for our part in the deterioration of our marriage. In the words of Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock, “it takes two to make things go right.” (It Takes Two) It was the height of mutual understanding and compassion in our relationship.
We became very comfortable in eah other’s presence. Somewhere along the journey we begin to look forward to speaking with and seeing each other. It started with daily messages to check-in and forward material that had nothing to do with us. We sent prayers, scriptures, jokes, and news about family and friends.
Our daily contact grew from text messages into hanging out. Soon after, we were in a full on sexual relationship. We both missed this part of our marriage. It took years to adapt to each other’s sexual styles and preferences, but when we did it became magical. What we shared was beyond physical satisfaction as it was a spiritual depth to our connection.
Neither of us had abandoned our positions on divorce. I reasoned that we were still married, thus I felt no guilt in pleasing my wife. She accepted our time together. We decided to live in those moments, and they were good. However, when we were a part I wondered if she felt that I was taking advantage of her. Or, if she was using these moments to further weaken my position. I hoped she remembered that I had never been that weak for sex.
The real tragedy was that the more we had sex, the less we talked. Our meetings became more about the intimacy we shared and less about deconstructing the issues that led us to separation. We realized this imbalance, but it was diffiult to regain the amount of time and effort placed into conversation when their was so much positive sexual energy between us. So, we continued to have sex. And it was good.
Divorce Journal – A Mutual Decision, Maybe
Instead of dragging out the decision of whether we continued to remain separated with no plan of action to repair the breach in our marriage, I decided to move forward with a divorce. She was still very clear with me that her heart’s desire was different than mine, but accepted the decision after failing to present a plan that we could attempt to save our marriage. The decision was made and mutual, right?
In our conversation, I forgot the wisdom that I share with couples that are in a similar position. I would coach them to, first, clear the air by sharing as much of the process for housing their side of the decision. People need to know how you come to a conclusion.
Afterwards, there should be time apart, so that each person can process what has been shared. In a follow up meeting the couple has an opportunity to process the decision together. The following up meeting(s) is really never about the initial decision or the process of how it was derived. The follow up meeting(s) is where the negotiations begin, where counter-points are offered, and where the descenting partner has a chance to punch holes in the meaning and methods of their spouse’s reasoning. People need a chance to defend their position.
Non-verbal communication is critically important. Non-verbal cues will tell you if the message was well received or just brushed off. For instance, you say it is over. They express disappointment in the decision and claim to accept the decision. But, they proceed to take their clothes off and get into your bed. Chances are they have not truly accepted the decisions.
Finally, you must affirm your position. Follow through on the plan of action. The more you linger, the less your spouse will take you serious. Inaction equates to indecisiveness; therefore, you open the door for confusion and renewed hope.
By the way, break-up sex is horrible.
Here is my journal entry, which explains of the conversation went for me and my spouse. Divorce Journal – A Mutual Decision, Maybe
Divorce Journal – Starting Our New Chapter
When you choose to serve others, especially under the titled ‘Coached 2 Love,’ then transparency is a must. Love has multiple faces. Likewise, the relationships that are inspired by the pursuit of love has many outcomes. One of the most dreadful is divorce.
No one gets married with divorce in mind as the desired outcome. At least none who take the vows of marriage sacred. The parties invested in the success of the marriage extend beyond the persons taking the vows or the attendants that stand with them. Usually there is a community of supporters, including family, friends, fraternity and sorority siblings, classmates, neighbors, and co-workers. The outcome of the marriage has an impact on all of those who poured in their feelings, time, and prayers. So, when a marriage ends it has an impact on the entire community.
If a marriage brings a community together to celebrate, then it stands to reason that a divorce should also bring one together to mourn. Unfortunately, the painful process of separation and divorce drives the partners into seclusion or excessive behaviors that make them hard to approach. And no one has the right to judge how someone processes the sting of divorce. And, no one has the right to deny the congregation of believers their opportunities to heal too.
I recorded a number of videos, journal entries, in an effort to both process the decision to divorce my spouse and begin the long journey towards healing. The idea was not my own, but that of a relationship consultant that happened to sit next to me at a networking function. Coincidence or not, she challenged me to combine the goal of leading others in conversation about love while sharing my own challenges to obtain the heart’s desire.
And I was immediately afraid. I was afraid of hurting the woman that I had spent seven years with. I was afraid of hurting her daughters who I call my own, or my sons, which had already seen their father loose at love. Our families, friends, fraternal and sorority siblings, and so many others were of concern. Yet, fear has never had the final say over my actions and this challenge would not be any different.
Recording the journal entries were at times cathartic. It is my hope that in sharing these journal entries others will find meaning or understanding for their own relationships. It is too late for there to be a different outcome in my marriage. Perhaps, someone will find the strength they need to fight for their marriage, so that it will not end in divorce. It may simply provide clarity for the community that stood with us through our courting period and on our wedding day. I trust that in sharing these videos others will benefit through the outpouring of my emotions.
I decided to start with one of the final videos that was recorded. This entry was completed shortly after a judge granted the petition for divorce. The range of emotions that I was experiencing should be evident as I struggled with finding words to describe the experience and what I hoped to come next. Clarity was not the goal, it was only authenticity. Truth is that divorce has never been that clear to me and there is great ambiguity with starting a new chapter.Divorce Journal – Starting Our New Chapter
Coached 2 Love 