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Divorce Journal – “What Are We Doing?”
Every relationship should have routine check ins and check ups. It is interesting that we will keep routine schedules to maintain our bodies, our homes and even our cars, but neglect to check in or get check ups for our relationships. As much as I believe in this principle, I was not ready to answer my wife’s question. She wanted to know, “what are we doing?” This entry shares the struggle that I had with her need to know. (Divorce Journal – What Are We Doing)
It was a reasonable request, considering the amount of time we were spending together and the activities that we shared. We were in a seemingly good space, which would lead anyone to believe that all was well with us. Although a picture is worth a thousand words, it can also be very deceptive about what lies beneath. Underneath my pleasant demeanor towards our relationship was the need to see significant change from both of us.
In every moment we shared I was looking for enough evidence to change my mind and heart about divorce. I wanted to know that the few months of peace and comfort we shared would be indicative of a new her and a better us. The peace could have been the result of either one of us holding our tongues; keeping in our true feelings for the sake of peace and comfort. But, even the best of us get tired of practicing restraint. It is then that our true emotions and feelings surface. And patience is rewarded with the real agenda and true nature of a thing.
Divorce Journal – Conviction
It is interesting how everything seems to have meaning for your current situation when you are faced with a major decision. You can watch a television show and one of the character’s storylines will seem to parallel your own. The lyrics of a popular song played on the radio will seem to capture your every emotion. You find yourself in earshot of strangers, and their conversation tempts you to move from ease dropping to full on participation. All of these responses are within reason. However, take into consideration your own sensitivity while measuring your circumstances against outside influences.
The day before I recorded this entry (Divorce Journal – Conviction) I was attending church and begin to intertwine my decision to divorce with the sermon. It seemed as if the pastor’s message was directed towards me and our marriage. Of course the pastor of a mega-church would have no idea what my wife and I were experiencing. Yet, it was as if the pastor was dwelling in my thoughts and had decided to build the weekly sermon around our situation. From that sermon I felt conviction over the decision I made to divorce my wife.
The sermon subject centered on the occurrence of a disciple of Jesus Christ walking on water. It was nothing to have Jesus Christ walk on any substance. But, it is quite captivating to have a mere human being step out of a boat onto water and walk on an element that is scientifically not suppose to support the density of human flesh. This phenomenon only occurred because of the disciple’s faith in and focus on Jesus Christ. Peter received the permission of his Lord to step onto the water and as a result completed an un-natural task.
This sermon made me question my own faith journey. Had I stepped out through faith, into a marriage, and on a commitment that was un-natural for me? If so, could I have made it all the way if I had maintain faith in and focus on Jesus Christ? Was the demise of our marriage the consequence of paying attention to the turbulence surrounding our union, more than I concentrated on the reason I stepped out on faith? These are the questions that arrested my attention. And they still do more than a year later.
Divorce Journal – A Softening Heart
Fast-forward approximately three months into my journal entries and I find myself questioning my own feelings. Have I begin to change my mind? In previous entries I discuss how my wife has basically ignored my decision. She is continuing to treat me as her husband – as if a decision has not been made to divorce.
During this period, I record in my journal that I would submit myself to prayer and fasting. These spiritual practices are being engaged in order to discern whether I have made a choice that truly matches what I am feeling in my heart. Well, we know how this journey ends. This moment of indecision does not alter the final outcome.
Yet, in the midst of taking action on my decision I appear to be experiencing a change of heart. Divorce in itself is described as the result of a hardened heart. It is the consequence of one person becoming so numb towards their spouse and the marriage that no attempt to reconcile can reach them. In our case, in the moment of this entry (Divorce Journal – Softening Heart), something is beginning to reach me.
My softening heart could be the result of my wife continuing to act as if we are married. My period of intentional prayer and fasting may have allowed me to see not only her in a different light, but my own desires. Or, maybe I am beginning to notice the attention that she is receiving from others. After all, sharks are drawn to blood in the water and I have spilled a sufficient amount of her proverbial blood over the few months prior to this post.
This journey is starting to get very interesting. Whatever the reasons are for my hesitation the delay is working in our benefit. And I am beginning to feel things and in places that I thought were lost to this marriage.
Love Nudge: Not Too Fast
Everything seems pressing. We must have success now. We must be happy right now. We must feel loved and appreciated from moment we hear hello.
So, whatever happened to taking time to develop success, happiness, or love? Is it a thing of the past to value the process or journey to the best destinations in life?
Even during the most difficult of circumstances there are valuable opportunities – to learn and to grow and to get stronger. Yet, the temptation is to rush through the gauntlet of life in order to finish the treacherous race or get to celebration. All the while never realizing that every obstacle is serves as an opportunity to graduate on to advanced courses. And each level begs a moment of appreciation, celebration even as the challenge was intended to be difficult, yet it was conquered.
It is true that some races or tasks are designed to exposed the swift. However, that is not the case with life, career, relationships, or maturity. The greater the goal the longer we should pause between each ascention to reflect on what just happened – for the purpose of celebration and to prepare for the next level.
In those moments when trouble beseachs over an extended wait. Take advantage of the pregnant pause to acknowledge the obvious achievements and plan out the best course of action for the future. Sometimes God’ speed is much slower than the desired pace. And God moves – when God moves.
Coached 2 Love 