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Divorce Journal – Starting Our New Chapter
When you choose to serve others, especially under the titled ‘Coached 2 Love,’ then transparency is a must. Love has multiple faces. Likewise, the relationships that are inspired by the pursuit of love has many outcomes. One of the most dreadful is divorce.
No one gets married with divorce in mind as the desired outcome. At least none who take the vows of marriage sacred. The parties invested in the success of the marriage extend beyond the persons taking the vows or the attendants that stand with them. Usually there is a community of supporters, including family, friends, fraternity and sorority siblings, classmates, neighbors, and co-workers. The outcome of the marriage has an impact on all of those who poured in their feelings, time, and prayers. So, when a marriage ends it has an impact on the entire community.
If a marriage brings a community together to celebrate, then it stands to reason that a divorce should also bring one together to mourn. Unfortunately, the painful process of separation and divorce drives the partners into seclusion or excessive behaviors that make them hard to approach. And no one has the right to judge how someone processes the sting of divorce. And, no one has the right to deny the congregation of believers their opportunities to heal too.
I recorded a number of videos, journal entries, in an effort to both process the decision to divorce my spouse and begin the long journey towards healing. The idea was not my own, but that of a relationship consultant that happened to sit next to me at a networking function. Coincidence or not, she challenged me to combine the goal of leading others in conversation about love while sharing my own challenges to obtain the heart’s desire.
And I was immediately afraid. I was afraid of hurting the woman that I had spent seven years with. I was afraid of hurting her daughters who I call my own, or my sons, which had already seen their father loose at love. Our families, friends, fraternal and sorority siblings, and so many others were of concern. Yet, fear has never had the final say over my actions and this challenge would not be any different.
Recording the journal entries were at times cathartic. It is my hope that in sharing these journal entries others will find meaning or understanding for their own relationships. It is too late for there to be a different outcome in my marriage. Perhaps, someone will find the strength they need to fight for their marriage, so that it will not end in divorce. It may simply provide clarity for the community that stood with us through our courting period and on our wedding day. I trust that in sharing these videos others will benefit through the outpouring of my emotions.
I decided to start with one of the final videos that was recorded. This entry was completed shortly after a judge granted the petition for divorce. The range of emotions that I was experiencing should be evident as I struggled with finding words to describe the experience and what I hoped to come next. Clarity was not the goal, it was only authenticity. Truth is that divorce has never been that clear to me and there is great ambiguity with starting a new chapter.Divorce Journal – Starting Our New Chapter
02-06-2014 “Romance, forget it . . . Let’s talk about Sex!”
Let’s talk about sex and love and making love. Why did God give us sex? Pleasure or utility or both? Is there a right or a wrong way to have sex? How about darn good Sex? WOW! Join us Thursday, February 6 at 7pm CST. Listen live online, or call in 347-237-4648. Press 1 to join the conversation.
This week’s special guests are Cal & Wendy Roberson from www.marriedandnaked.com.
Married and Naked began in 2009 as a subsidiary of Marriage Vows Ministries. Calvin and Wendy Roberson know first hand the trials that come from marriage. Both have experienced marital loss, renewal and marital success. They have now committed themselves to helping others avoid the pitfalls they have encountered.
Calvin has been a New York Stock Exchange registered representative, a Regional Vice President of an international investment firm, Dean of Arts at Duke Ellington School of Arts in D.C. He has also been the Senior Pastor of ten churches. He holds a graduate degree and has had post graduate doctoral studies in ministry and law. Calvin is the author of the thought-provoking book, the Gospel of Non-sense. He is also a sought after public speaker and a successful religious counselor for more than fifteen years. His keen insight has made him a highly desired professional.
Wendy is an insightful and energetic addition to this union. She brings with her years of nurturing experience as a nurse. She has been involved in various faith-based initiatives for over ten years. She knows first hand what deliverance and restoration means and this is seen in the way she compassionately ministers to the diverse groups in their ministry. She is a coach to young ladies and counselor to mature women. She is an intuitive and engaging conversationalist and stands as a personal testimony of what God can accomplish through a yielded and willing vessel.
Cal and Wendy are unique in that they are a blended family and understand first hand the trials and successes of traditional as well as non-traditional family situations. They have three children, Calvin II, Andrew and Khloe. It is their belief that through their efforts, God will heal the hurting, comfort the discouraged and bring about the spiritual success and advancement that God originally intended for his people.
Read more on the topic on Clarence’s blog and/or Tracie’s blog.
Why Does He Cheat On His Wife With Me?
I am supposed to be writing about sex this week. In a way, I suppose that I am, through the topic of infidelity. In this article I am sharing the answer that I gave a friend early this week. My goal, then and now, was to provide an attentive ear to the situation and hopefully sound advice as to her role in an adulterous relationship.
Sex was created by God, to share between a husband and a wife, and it is good. We should all be able to agree on these points. However, it is clear that whether we agree or disagree, some parties in a marriage fail to represent these factors, thus leading to questions such as, “if sex was created for marriage, and it is supposed to be a good thing between a husband and his wife, then why would a husband seek sex somewhere else?”
There are four global reasons that men cheat. The reasons can obviously be reduced to a number of subsets based in traditions, culture, circumstances, and physical or psychological disorders. Yet, from a global or macro perspective, I strongly believe that all excuses will lead to one of the following.
- Opportunity or Convenience
For a large number of men that have committed adultery their motivation was simple opportunity. The goods were literally thrown in their face. This is typically the case with workplace affairs where two people become comfortable with each other in a manner that was completely unintended. He did not set out to have an affair, the door opened and he floated right across the threshold. - Greed
Let’s face it – some men have insatiable appetites. So, he hunts ferociously. Frankly, a woman married to this man already knows his tendency and is not often surprised by an affair. - Lack of Quality
This is one of those measures that only mean something to the person having to describe it. Kind of like, ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder.’ Only he can tell you what he expects from sex, and what he is not getting at home. The range is extremely broad – ranging from frequency to diversity to freakiness. Unfortunately, there are no exclusions, including medical issues or physical limitations. - Dissatisfied
This is likely to be seen as the weakest excuse of the four, yet, it is the most frequently given. This is far different from the quality issue. Quality is inherent to the spouse. Satisfaction is dependent upon the man. Dissatisfaction will have very little to do with the act of sex. It may come from the physical changes of a spouse, the stress in the home from finances or differing parenting styles.
Do not allow any of these factors to cause concern that the odds of a faithful marriage are unreasonable. Let me attempt to ease your concern. There are four types of men that will never cheat.
- He is Dead
I do not mean physically dead, although that would certainly eliminate the threat; neither am I insinuating that he cannot perform sexually (limp). I am suggesting that he is oblivious to world. This man is dead to the poison of lust, which leads to infidelity. He was either reared in a certain manner, or conquered those demons long ago. Or, this guy felt the sting of infidelity, and vowed not to put anyone else through a similar form of grief. - Low Self Esteem
Well, this guy would not take free sex from a super model. He would spend way too much energy trying to figure out why anyone would want to sleep with him. He considers himself a lottery winner to be chosen by his spouse, and still questions his fortune of her vow. Frankly, this is not a bad thing. It would be better for the institution of marriage if more men felt swept away by their wives, rather than feeling like they capture their brides in some ancient fight to death ritual. - Obsessed
He is totally and completely enamored with his spouse. Outside of his mother, no other woman even exists on this plant. Life as he knows it would end without her. Any other woman would literally be an insult to his integrity and character. - Totally In Love with Jesus Christ
My absolute favorite- this guy has made a lifelong covenant with God. His cord of marriage is strengthened with the woven thread of Jesus Christ. Even if he struggles with any of the character flaws in the first list, he would remain faithful and committed to serve as an example in and outside his home. He could not break his covenant.
Sex is meant to be good. When it is not for whatever reasons, people struggle the possibility of infidelity. Some commit the physical act. Others fall only in their lustful thoughts. Yet, still others remain strong and committed to the vow of marriage.
This is certainly one of many perspectives on infidelity, and from a man’s point of view. Ironically, the conversation helped my friend make the decision to cut ties with her lover with hopes that he could repair his marriage. And that she would be in a better position to support her unknown future husband in his quest for fidelity.
Coached 2 Love 