If you ask an attractive, seemingly successful woman why she is single her answer may sound quite familiar. All of the good men are already taken, don’t date my type of woman, are gay or bi-sexual, or in jail. We can add another category to the list – they don’t date Christians either.
We could spend an infinite amount of time telling women why any guy that falls into either of the former categories is not ‘good’ anyway – at least not for them. If he is taken and approaching you – he is not good. If he is not attracted to your type – whether he is good or not does not matter. If he is gay or bi-sexual – he is not good for you. If he is in jail – he is not good to anyone at this time. And, if he does not date Christians – well you know the answer. The latter is our focus as it has the most potential, thus requires further discussion.
Several weeks ago the leaders of Coached 2 Love thought it a great opportunity to host an event for single adults. We already offer multiple bible studies for women, a daily devotion specifically for women, pre- and post-martial coaching for couples, and a weekly radio show. In all of these activities, we often hear the requests from people to connect with other singles.
We created an event called Single, Successful and Saved, and begin to promote it as The Christian Happy Hour Experience. The goal was to provide an intimate environment where singles would be encouraged into conversation, laughter, and dancing. We would offer all of this for free. The highest possibility would be that someone in the room would meet the person that they could not spend the rest of their lives without. At the other end of the spectrum, perhaps someone would make a new friend.
The criteria were decided from the feedback of our friends and associates. Single was the primary criteria as so many folks have made it clear that they are sick and tired of being approached by persons that are not actually available. A very close second was success. The latter does not mean economic success, rather embodying a feeling of security. There is value in a person being secure in their place in life, and taking care of their business. Our final criterion was Salvation, as in a confessed and committed relationship with Jesus Christ.
The event received immediate support from two sponsors. The Woman’s Earth Nurturing Studio and the online magazine Love. Work. Repeat. were elated to help bring life to the vision. Woman of all ages and stations in life begin to reserve their spots for the event, and we were soon at the wait list level for women. All of this happened without one commitment from a man.
Somehow we had missed something. How could we recruit sponsors and sell-out the portion of spaces reserved for women, but not receive a single commitment from a man? Did we market the event wrong? We had all of the key elements that attract men. Woman, wine, and live entertainment were clearly advertised. What was so wrong with the event that would repel one of the key ingredients – the men? The only plausible answer was that the women are self – declared Christians.
The lack of response from men led us to explore why men are not attracted to Christian women. The list that is compiled and shared below is not the result of a painstakingly, well-designed, research driven survey that was randomly delivered to a targeted sample audience of pre-screened and well qualified men. No, this list is compiled from years of participating in barber shop talk, gym conversations, bar bragging, and fraternity fellowship. Therefore, do not take the list to heart. This is an attempt to help both men and women resolve what may be false stereotypes though igniting conversation.
There are at least two possible outcomes for this list. The women that read the list can be more aware of these perceptions and choose to make adjustments to how they approach dating. The men that read the list also have a choice, that is whether to be convicted by the assumptions that may dictate their decision making process.
Finally, some may wonder why this list addresses men’s concerns, rather than making it an issue that both men and women face. Primarily, from our recent experience women do not seem to be nearly as threatened by a person’s spiritual journey. Women certainly have their prejudice against certain stereotypes of men. Yet, for the purpose of exposing the reasons we have an overbooked all-female event the following list is dedicated to men.
The Top 10 Reasons Men Don’t Date Christian Women
10. Having a Guilty Complex. Some men may think that they will ruin a Christian woman, interfere with her walk, or distract her from God’s purpose. In reality, men, if she is genuinely committed, then there is nothing you can do to ruin, interfere or distract. On the other hand, there is a great risk for a woman that is just starting on her journey. The best approach to this is to be absolutely clear of your intentions – up front and let the woman make the decision.
9. They Are Too Much Work. There is a perception that Christian women will make a guy work extra hard for a relationship. For example, he has to receive the approval of Momma, the church Mother, the Deacon board, and finally meet Pastor just to go on the first date. Men, this is not true for any mature woman. She can and will make her own decisions about who, when, where, and how to date. However, when things get serious than expect to clear your calendar for those interviews.
8. They Are Less Attractive. Men tend to believe that, in general, Christian woman lack a certain attractive style of dress, and lack other socially accepted enhancements like hair, nails, and make up. Their overall physical appearance seems to be far too conservative or unattended too. This is just plain false. If it were true, 90% of the hair salons and nail shops would close in one week. Now, if you are looking for a video vixen outward appearance with inward principals and character – let me suggest that they too exists, but you will need to use a great deal of patience.
7. They Are Prudes. We sometimes have the image of the ladies with white gloves and expensive hats. You know the ones that are very prim and proper. This too may be somewhat factual. This image makes men feel ill equipped to approach someone who is expecting a properly behaved man. May I suggest, however, that these are more than the type of woman your mother wants you to marry? Once the gloves and hats come off, and they let their hair down, I assure you that these ladies are human and desire real affection.
6. Simply, No Fun. There is an unfortunate misconception that Christian women are boring, restrictive, reserved and too conservative. Guys believe me, Christian women know how to party. Enough said.
5. A More Serious Accusation. They Are Closest Freaks. A belief in general about all Christians is that some people run to the church after they have done their dirt. These people are apparently hiding their past behaviors and choices behind the Cross. There is some truth in this assumption; however, the beauty of life often begins in learning how to forgive. And, forgiveness starts with self. It is not a person’s past that is the most important part of their journey, rather where they aspire to go. Do not exclude yourself from experiencing the life that you were destined to as a result of prejudice and judgment.
4. Fear of Judgment. Speaking of judgment – Christians are perceived to be the most judgmental and hypocritical. No one wants to consistently hear what they are doing wrong or how they are going to Hell because of it. Frankly, this may be the most acceptable reason on the list, so far. Yet, the other side is that there is a thin line between judgment and encouragement. People that care about you want the best for you – even if that means telling you how you are hurting yourself.
3. Not Ready for Commitment or to Get Married. Hear this clearly. Not every Christian woman is seeking or ready for a serious commitment or the get married. Now, this may be an ultimate goal, but do not assume that they want to meet a guy on Friday and marry him on Sunday. Christian woman value courtship and the discovery process as does everyone else.
2. Undecided On Own Spirituality. In a Nation that is decidedly Christian, there remain many that are undecided about their faith. Dating a Christian woman means being confronted with this decision. Therefore, these men will avoid dating an openly, professing Christian woman in order to avoid the pressure to become a Christian.
1. No Sex. Now we are getting to the crux of the matter – that single men want sex. Perception is either a Christian woman is not having sex, celibate until marriage, or will expect some form of permanent commitment after sex. The truth is whether a woman is Christian or not, there is a degree of commitment expected with sex. We would argue that all sexual encounters carry both explicit and implicit expectations. Therefore, even the topic of sex between two people should be reserved for those in permanent relationship. Why give something so meaningful as sex to someone that is meaningless? If that is not your disposition, then at least respect those who value their bodies.
These are reasons that we’ve heard from people in our close and distant circles. What are your thoughts? What do you think causes men to flea when the label “Christian” is attached to a woman they might otherwise be interested in dating? We’d like to hear from you.
By the way, we still have some spots open for Single, Successful and Saved men at The Christian Happy Hour Experience. Register here.