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Divorce Journal – The Tables Are Turning
You cannot treat someone a certain way and expect them to believe your words. A reasonable person will respond in a manner that gives them the best personal outcome. It is called self-preservation.
Her reaction was to return to behaviors that placed the relationship in jeopardy from the beginning. Wisdom would suggest that if something did not workout well over an extended period of time, then you must choose a different action.
Prior to this entry (Divorce Journal – The Tables Are Turning), I was beginning to change my mind. It had been nearly four months since making the decision to divorce my wife. We were starting to spend more time together, which included the most open forum of conversation that we had experienced in years. It seemed as if we were breaking into a new area of our relationship. The possibility of a better us was enough motivation to stall the decision to divorce.
My expectations were unrealistic. I was to blame for the hope that I allowed to creep into my own feelings. How could I blame her for wanting to fight for the marriage, while making sure that certain things or people were in place in case I proceeded with the divorce? The delay in filing for the divorce back fired. Somehow I failed to make my intentions clear enough, and create a space in time for us to make the decision together. In the end, my word were more important to her, or the words I did not say, then my actions.
Divorce Journal – Conviction
It is interesting how everything seems to have meaning for your current situation when you are faced with a major decision. You can watch a television show and one of the character’s storylines will seem to parallel your own. The lyrics of a popular song played on the radio will seem to capture your every emotion. You find yourself in earshot of strangers, and their conversation tempts you to move from ease dropping to full on participation. All of these responses are within reason. However, take into consideration your own sensitivity while measuring your circumstances against outside influences.
The day before I recorded this entry (Divorce Journal – Conviction) I was attending church and begin to intertwine my decision to divorce with the sermon. It seemed as if the pastor’s message was directed towards me and our marriage. Of course the pastor of a mega-church would have no idea what my wife and I were experiencing. Yet, it was as if the pastor was dwelling in my thoughts and had decided to build the weekly sermon around our situation. From that sermon I felt conviction over the decision I made to divorce my wife.
The sermon subject centered on the occurrence of a disciple of Jesus Christ walking on water. It was nothing to have Jesus Christ walk on any substance. But, it is quite captivating to have a mere human being step out of a boat onto water and walk on an element that is scientifically not suppose to support the density of human flesh. This phenomenon only occurred because of the disciple’s faith in and focus on Jesus Christ. Peter received the permission of his Lord to step onto the water and as a result completed an un-natural task.
This sermon made me question my own faith journey. Had I stepped out through faith, into a marriage, and on a commitment that was un-natural for me? If so, could I have made it all the way if I had maintain faith in and focus on Jesus Christ? Was the demise of our marriage the consequence of paying attention to the turbulence surrounding our union, more than I concentrated on the reason I stepped out on faith? These are the questions that arrested my attention. And they still do more than a year later.
Divorce Journal – A Softening Heart
Fast-forward approximately three months into my journal entries and I find myself questioning my own feelings. Have I begin to change my mind? In previous entries I discuss how my wife has basically ignored my decision. She is continuing to treat me as her husband – as if a decision has not been made to divorce.
During this period, I record in my journal that I would submit myself to prayer and fasting. These spiritual practices are being engaged in order to discern whether I have made a choice that truly matches what I am feeling in my heart. Well, we know how this journey ends. This moment of indecision does not alter the final outcome.
Yet, in the midst of taking action on my decision I appear to be experiencing a change of heart. Divorce in itself is described as the result of a hardened heart. It is the consequence of one person becoming so numb towards their spouse and the marriage that no attempt to reconcile can reach them. In our case, in the moment of this entry (Divorce Journal – Softening Heart), something is beginning to reach me.
My softening heart could be the result of my wife continuing to act as if we are married. My period of intentional prayer and fasting may have allowed me to see not only her in a different light, but my own desires. Or, maybe I am beginning to notice the attention that she is receiving from others. After all, sharks are drawn to blood in the water and I have spilled a sufficient amount of her proverbial blood over the few months prior to this post.
This journey is starting to get very interesting. Whatever the reasons are for my hesitation the delay is working in our benefit. And I am beginning to feel things and in places that I thought were lost to this marriage.
Divorce Journal – A Mutual Decision, Maybe
Instead of dragging out the decision of whether we continued to remain separated with no plan of action to repair the breach in our marriage, I decided to move forward with a divorce. She was still very clear with me that her heart’s desire was different than mine, but accepted the decision after failing to present a plan that we could attempt to save our marriage. The decision was made and mutual, right?
In our conversation, I forgot the wisdom that I share with couples that are in a similar position. I would coach them to, first, clear the air by sharing as much of the process for housing their side of the decision. People need to know how you come to a conclusion.
Afterwards, there should be time apart, so that each person can process what has been shared. In a follow up meeting the couple has an opportunity to process the decision together. The following up meeting(s) is really never about the initial decision or the process of how it was derived. The follow up meeting(s) is where the negotiations begin, where counter-points are offered, and where the descenting partner has a chance to punch holes in the meaning and methods of their spouse’s reasoning. People need a chance to defend their position.
Non-verbal communication is critically important. Non-verbal cues will tell you if the message was well received or just brushed off. For instance, you say it is over. They express disappointment in the decision and claim to accept the decision. But, they proceed to take their clothes off and get into your bed. Chances are they have not truly accepted the decisions.
Finally, you must affirm your position. Follow through on the plan of action. The more you linger, the less your spouse will take you serious. Inaction equates to indecisiveness; therefore, you open the door for confusion and renewed hope.
By the way, break-up sex is horrible.
Here is my journal entry, which explains of the conversation went for me and my spouse. Divorce Journal – A Mutual Decision, Maybe
Coached 2 Love 