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Divorce Journal – Sex

A willingness to hear each other’s hearts led to open conversations.  Open conversations gave way to deeper transparency.  Knowing what your partner is feeling, thinking and experiencing inspires compromise.  Compromising on a routine basis resulted in comfortability, and the desire to spend more time together.  The more time we, two people who were emotionally charge and comfortable with each spent together, the greater the chance we would have sex. (Divorce Journal – S.E.X.)

It seemed that we were more willing to hear each other’s hearts after I declared that I wanted a divorce.  The open and honest conversations were some of the best we experienced in nearly nine years.  It could be the removal of self imposed barriers built on fear that opened this entryway.  We were courageously transparent with each other.

The result of our openness led to a willingness to compromise.  I placed the plan to file for divorce on the shelf.  She was less defensive.  We both accepted blame for our part in the deterioration of our marriage.  In the words of Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock, “it takes two to make things go right.” (It Takes Two)  It was the height of mutual understanding and compassion in our relationship.

We became very comfortable in eah other’s presence.  Somewhere along the journey we begin to look forward to speaking with and seeing each other.  It started with daily messages to check-in and forward material that had nothing to do with us.  We sent prayers, scriptures, jokes, and news about family and friends.

Our daily contact grew from text messages into hanging out.  Soon after, we were in a full on sexual relationship.  We both missed this part of our marriage.  It took years to adapt to each other’s sexual styles and preferences, but when we did it became magical.  What we shared was beyond physical satisfaction as it was a spiritual depth to our connection.

Neither of us had abandoned our positions on divorce.  I reasoned that we were still married, thus I felt no guilt in pleasing my wife.  She accepted our time together.  We decided to live in those moments, and they were good.  However, when we were a part  I wondered if she felt that I was taking advantage of her.  Or, if she was using these moments to further weaken my position.  I hoped she remembered that I had never been that weak for sex.

The real tragedy was that the more we had sex, the less we talked.  Our meetings became more about the intimacy we shared and less about deconstructing the issues that led us to separation.  We realized this imbalance, but it was diffiult to regain the amount of time and effort placed into conversation when their was so much positive sexual energy between us.  So, we continued to have sex.  And it was good.

Divorce Journal – The Tables Are Turning

You cannot treat someone a certain way and expect them to believe your words.  A reasonable person will respond in a manner that gives them the best personal outcome.  It is called self-preservation.

Her reaction was to return to behaviors that placed the relationship in jeopardy from the beginning.  Wisdom would suggest that if something did not workout well over an extended period of time, then you must choose a different action.
Prior to this entry (Divorce Journal – The Tables Are Turning), I was beginning to change my mind.  It had been nearly four months since making the decision to divorce my wife.  We were starting to spend more time together, which included the most open forum of conversation that we had experienced in years.  It seemed as if we were breaking into a new area of our relationship.  The possibility of a better us was enough motivation to stall the decision to divorce.

My expectations were unrealistic.  I was to blame for the hope that I allowed to creep into my own feelings.  How could I blame her for wanting to fight for the marriage, while making sure that certain things or people were in place in case I proceeded with the divorce?  The delay in filing for the divorce back fired.  Somehow I failed to make my intentions clear enough, and create a space in time for us to make the decision together.  In the end, my word were more important to her, or the words I did not say, then my actions.

Divorce Journal – Conviction

It is interesting how everything seems to have meaning for your current situation when you are faced with a major decision.  You can watch a television show and one of the character’s storylines will seem to parallel your own.  The lyrics of a popular song played on the radio will seem to capture your every emotion.  You find yourself in earshot of strangers, and their conversation tempts you to move from ease dropping to full on participation.  All of these responses are within reason.  However, take into consideration your own sensitivity while measuring your circumstances against outside influences.

The day before I recorded this entry (Divorce Journal – Conviction) I was attending church and begin to intertwine my decision to divorce with the sermon.  It seemed as if the pastor’s message was directed towards me and our marriage.   Of course the pastor of a mega-church would have no idea what my wife and I were experiencing.  Yet, it was as if the pastor was dwelling in my thoughts and had decided to build the weekly sermon around our situation.  From that sermon I felt conviction over the decision I made to divorce my wife.

The sermon subject centered on the occurrence of a disciple of Jesus Christ walking on water.  It was nothing to have Jesus Christ walk on any substance.  But, it is quite captivating to have a mere human being step out of a boat onto water and walk on an element that is scientifically not suppose to support the density of human flesh.  This phenomenon only occurred because of the disciple’s faith in and focus on Jesus Christ.  Peter received the permission of his Lord to step onto the water and as a result completed an un-natural task.

This sermon made me question my own faith journey.  Had I stepped out through faith, into a marriage, and on a commitment that was un-natural for me?  If so, could I have made it all the way if I had maintain faith in and focus on Jesus Christ?  Was the demise of our marriage the consequence of paying attention to the turbulence surrounding our union, more than I concentrated on the reason I stepped out on faith?  These are the questions that arrested my attention.  And they still do more than a year later.

Divorce Journal – A Softening Heart

Fast-forward approximately three months into my journal entries and I find myself questioning my own feelings.  Have I begin to change my mind?  In previous entries I discuss how my wife has basically ignored my decision.  She is continuing to treat me as her husband – as if a decision has not been made to divorce.

During this period, I record in my journal that I would submit myself to prayer and fasting.  These spiritual practices are being engaged in order to discern whether I have made a choice that truly matches what I am feeling in my heart.  Well, we know how this journey ends.  This moment of indecision does not alter the final outcome.
Yet, in the midst of taking action on my decision I appear to be experiencing a change of heart.  Divorce in itself is described as the result of a hardened heart.  It is the consequence of one person becoming so numb towards their spouse and the marriage that no attempt to reconcile can reach them.  In our case, in the moment of this entry (Divorce Journal – Softening Heart), something is beginning to reach me.

My softening heart could be the result of my wife continuing to act as if we are married.  My period of intentional prayer and fasting may have allowed me to see not only her in a different light, but my own desires.  Or, maybe I am beginning to notice the attention that she is receiving from others.  After all, sharks are drawn to blood in the water and I have spilled a sufficient amount of her proverbial blood over the few months prior to this post.

This journey is starting to get very interesting.  Whatever the reasons are for my hesitation the delay is working in our benefit.  And I am beginning to feel things and in places that I thought were lost to this marriage.